Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I really do feel like Dorthy most days, lost in Oz. But as I fight to regain my life, I find myself filled with the need for structure and organization. This is a new and interesting feeling for me since I've lived most of my life flying by the seat of my pants! Oh, what a ride it's been! The rooms of Cherry Kingdom are no exception.
This is a short note today, I missed yesterday morning because of a no point, waste of time, as they all are meeting with soulless. I drove an hour, for a meeting that lasted ten minutes, to drive an hour back to office. All this said, Cherry Kingdom will no longer give ad to the soulless. This is a happy kingdom, a kingdom of finding, of hope, and of lost and found loves, inspired by my dear Mitzi. The soulless will take form some place else, but she is no longer welcome at Cherry Kingdom. I have three projects I'm working on. Three more bricks being laid on the yellow brick road, trying to find my way home...Go well and be blessed good citizens of blog land, discover just one new thing about yourself today, and lay a brick, as we are all just trying to find our way home. I will leave you with one of my favorite poems...

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweeps your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi
Translation by Coleman Barks

XO Keke

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I'm experimenting with the "Follower" button on my side date I have exactly three followers...whoo hoo!!! Questionable. Ok, so I know who one is, that would be Sheri, queen extraordinaire also one of my "lefty sista's", owner of, "Sheri's Ramblings - A Dystonia Diary." Wit , charm, brains and beauty, you should definitely check it out! The other two, however, thanks to googles allowance of creative identification and the use of said creative identification in the follower link, they remain a mystery to me. BarnOwl17 and Tonasun, ingenious creativity that keeps me guessing! I just want to yell, "Reveal yourselves, do not stay hidden in the shadows!" Shadows? If you look at my follower widget you will see only silhouettes of the followers... That's odd, I surf other blogs and they have the whole person...admittedly I am technically inept, but determined to increase my skills. I want to be a savvy blogger...seems a do-able aspiration??? I've asked "google blogger help" the identification question a thousand different ways, not to mention the search engines on blogger, google account, no avail. I also didn't realize that you can accept or block a follower, I would never want to block, or at least I can't yet figure out why I would, but friend? "Why yes, I would love to invite you to be my friend," doesn't everyone need more friends? Another curiosity, according to google help, people don't really look at or read the content in your that really true?
"But I have really cool things in my sidebar!" I asked them, "Are you sure?" Google didn't respond. Hmmm, don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see? I look at sidebars, what would be the point of side bars if no one really looks at it? Why do people, {} spend time filling it up with thrillingly interesting things? Google's recommendation is for me to move my "follower gadget" to the top of the side bar if I have any hope of gaining more followers...[am I doomed?] I don't want to move it to the top, I have thoughtfully arranged my that even reasonable? Is this where I need to look deep within myself and ask the all important question, do you want more followers or do you stubbornly want to leave your gadget where it's located? I've never had any one tell me to move my gadget, I've had people tell me to move other things...(!*#!*%) Too many questions before the day has really started, I'm exhausting myself, I can't imagine how you must feel! And to that, my faithful following and good citizens of blog land, I must go...few more things to accomplish before madhatter time...ohh, speaking of, should I let you know the latest with soulless so that you can be outraged with me, or should I leave you hanging on the edge of your seat? emmmm...Think I'll save it for tomorrow, stay tuned, it's definitely a shake of the head and can you believe it news...Go well today and be blessed. XO Keke

****Breaking news....Update...Already? Yes, I jumped back in to edit and update I think I just discovered who "Tonasun" is, mystery solved! She would be none other than...Tracy Suzanne, delightful owner of, "Cotton Pickin Cute," and yes she is! Check out her blog, check out her wallpaper! OOH, I so want a skirt made out of this print! I stumbled across her blog one day and a kindred spirit was found! She's also an Aries, which is quite a coincidence, I seem to collect Aries. My American husband is an Aries, among other friends and loved ones, so she'll fit right in! We also share the same musical taste, so we could have a creative dance party some day! LOL Check it out, you're really going to love her cuteness! P.S. If you need further incentive other than my honorable word and good taste about why you should check out her blog, and if you can squeeze in on a cute little "give-away," It's Martha inspired, so you won't want to miss it!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hmmm...another Monday, another day with my mind scrambled and a thousand stories running through it. Maybe not so much stories as random, rambling thoughts, I guess we could call them "short stories." Feeling homesick again, will I ever get over it? Not homesick for the place as much as the familiar, home sick for my lovely Sonoma, homesick for my Mitzi and the beautiful daughters. Two of my nieces, Amy and Katie at the right... Beautiful for sure, but also talented, and brilliant and the whole pkg. in general! I'm not gushing as much as it's just a fact. All of them are, if they gave an award for raising the best kid's on the planet, my Mitzi would win for sure...such classy girls! And then there is my lovely Sonoma. I tell myself that where I'm at is only temporary, only moved here to shorten commute, save $ and to heal...a chance to pull everything together and move back to the loveliest place on earth once my employment moves to that area. It doesn't console me, it feels like a mistake, although the commute has shortened drastically and I think my health is better for it...from 3 hrs a day in the car down to 30 min round trip. Working at baby boy's house in the loveliest place on earth has intensified my lost/homesick feeling... How could I not feel this way, Sonoma, look at it. Every where you turn is just loveliness. I didn't make it to Halloween and Vine, so I'll have to depend on Ms Fashionista to give me the low down and I'll live vicariously through her experience another year. Next year, hell or high water I'll go for sure. Went to baby boy's new house both Saturday and Sunday. Finally after 5 days of non-stop cleaning and painting, starting to actually feel as if we've accomplished something and it could be a space that he could live in. I said it before and I'll say it again, I still can not believe anyone could live that way, the disgusting filth that literally took us 5 days to bleach off is mind boggling! He is so happy! Every day he tells me, "Mom, I'm so glad you gave us a kick in the butt and told us to get going with this..." He's talking about the half lecture which induced eyeball rolls at the beginning of summer that I gave him and his fiance. I told them to get their crap together, stop throwing their money out the window and take advantage of the real estate crash here in CA. I told him that starting their marriage(wedding in December) with a place of their own would go a long way to make their union's true. His fiance's brother got married last June and he and his bride had to immediately move in with her parents, after a wedding that cost $10,000.00 which I know is considered reasonable here in this area. I think, what's reasonable about that, they're honeymooners and living with her parents?...During the lecture I said, I promise, you want to set a foundation for your life. I did not want them to get married and struggle, end up with babies and struggle even more...voice of experience. I told them that starting their life together with their own house is more important than one day of pomp and circumstance! The wedding is still going to be beautiful and total pkg for beach wedding is only costing approx. $4500.00 which is really awesome no matter were you live, but esp. here in Northern CA. Well, it's madhatter time, and I wish you all wealth, happiness and a sunny day! XO Keke

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Working on all the Halloween themed items that I included in the fall tin swap for Gypsy Mermaid has put me in a "fallish" mood and longing to go to Halloween and Vine. I love making Halloween inspired folk art, and once I got started on all her goodies, I almost couldn't stop myself, one thing led to another and then another. Hopefully I can post the pics USPS confirmation said her pkg. was delivered on Thursday, but I haven't heard from her yet and I don't want to post pic's and ruin her surprise... This amazing show is happening today in Petaluma, and I have to say I've been dreaming of going to this for five years! It's so close to me I can taste it! I was supposed to go to it this morning with my fashionista, artist, derby girlfriend Sarah, but I'm sitting here in bed instead waiting for my med's to kick in, and then there was that "little house thing" that happened to baby boy last week and American Husband and I are supposed to go there today to get some more done for him...American Husband said, "drop me off and meet Sarah there." Honestly, I don't know if I've got the steam today for either! I'm yelling at myself, "get up and go girl!" My body is not saying the same thing as my head! So I lay here waiting for them to settle their conflict with one another and see who wins! But oh, I want to go so badly!!! Check out this site and the amazing artist. The most amazing folk artist around the country set up their wares at this event.

Baby shower for beautiful couple turned out nicely, I so wish you all could have seen their faces, they both were glowing! So lovely... and to that, have a lovely day all you good citizens of blog land, and I hope you do something you love today! XO Keke

Friday, September 25, 2009

I need a real vacation, on day two of the marathon. Clap board cake sets on counter layered in black frosting waiting for the "take #2" writing to be added. Pic's to come later, Mad Hatter race this week has left me completely depleted. I love them all so I push, I just need to make it to 6:00 p.m. this afternoon. Then I have a night off to try to recoup and get my mash potato/deer caught in head lights brain together. Almost there..."Remain Calm and Carry On!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My life for the next 48 hours will require deliberate calculated moves if I am to be successful at every thing that needs to be accomplished.
This will be a short post...too much happening right now, burning the candle at both ends. Baby boy got his keys to his new nest, called me yesterday, so nest a ship wreck, price to be paid for low mortgage is cases of bleach, cleaners of every sort, paper towel, a bag full of rags and burning the midnight oil with elbow grease...I honestly can not believe people lived like that. We scrubbed the new nest until bleach was eating through the rubber, left my fingers raw even with the gloves. Baby boy had given me a respiratory mask and still all I can taste is bleach. I know, so bad and unhealthy, and I did over do it. Anything for my babies though and they were honestly overwhelmed with the task at hand. Baby boy kept thanking me every five minutes, finally I said, "baby, stop already, it's what we do, who we are, it's called family...every one else who had generously offered to help when the time came had backed out of the deal. So after work, I stopped by home, picked up American husband, changed clothes, packed the cooler with ice and bottled water, grabbed everything I had for supplies, then went to Target and bought a cart full more...American husband said, "enough, he said he has tons of this already." But...a mother knows, and I said, "when we get there, I want to just get the job done, I don't want to waste time having to run out for more...", and guess what, we used everything he had and we had taken...yes it really was that bad! So this morning I am exhausted, we didn't get home last night until 1:30 a.m. and it's madhatter time. I over did it and I have so much more ahead of me. American husband will go back over today to help, I will go to work, and then go back over tonight. In between, I will have a very full day of work, and then at some point I have to finish things needed for the beautiful couples baby shower I'm hosting in a conference room tomorrow afternoon. I have almost everything pulled together for that, I just need to make a cake, incorporating the movie/Hollywood theme that we picked, this is really a work-baby shower for beautiful groom, so I wanted it to be adult and masculine, and since he's a movie buff it seemed the perfect theme. I'll post pic's, it's going to look really awesome! Beautiful bride due date in two weeks, but I just have a feeling that baby love is going to come sooner. Oh the look, the feel of young love, remember? The angst, the longing, the everything....And to that, I must say good day citizens of blog land, it's far past madhatter time....

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Do you ever have dreams where you are flying? Not on a plane or glider, but all by yourself, as if you were a bird. Sometimes if I am lucky, I have these dreams. I love these dreams... the sense of freedom, of being able to conquer the world. I need to have one of these dreams right now. This feeling that has been plaguing me for a few days now, can't quite put it into words, other than just "lost." Things just seem "ajar" in my life right now. Being the eternal optimist that I am and a "fighter" as my family says, funny, don't feel like a fighter...but still can't describe or shake the feeling.
Having lunch with my roller derby love'n, artist, grower of beautiful things friend today. That will make me feel better...we have been friends for five years now...can't believe how time flies! She was my first friend when we moved to California. I love her, she is sassy and loving and the practical common sense side of her is what I need. I will tell her something outrageous and she will be outraged with me, and then she will come up with an answer to what ever, that is so bold and require such courage to pull it off and all the while she will act like it's nothing...her boldness makes me giggle, and even if I don't take her advice, I will carry it with me and smile to think of it. We don't see each other often enough, but when we do, it's like no time has passed between us at all. She is a Fashionista, she has studied fashion in Paris and she always looks so chic. And to that, Madhatter time approaching, so good citizens of blog land, I wish you a sunny day and lunch with a good friend. XO Keke

Monday, September 21, 2009

I didn't post this weekend. Weekend spent as I assumed it would be in previous post. Crafting and sleeping and not necessarily in that order! LOL Actually, I crafted till I couldn't anymore and then I slept, woke up and started all over again. I feel better this morning, I realized that this two day crafting blitz to finish up my swaps allowed my mind to rest, and 100 naps later my body feels rested. Well that would be the perfect life now wouldn't it? Just crafting and napping everyday. Pictures to be posted in a couple of days as soon as my swap partners receive their packages. Moving on with a couple of questions as madhatter time is fast approaching...
Question # 1: If you could be Queen for a day which crown would you pick?
Question # 2: What would be the name of your kingdom?
Question # 3: Would you be a benevolent ruler or a dictator?
Question # 4: Would you rule by yourself or would you have a king?
Question # 5: What would your castle look like, would it be small {like 6 bedrooms} or large {like 28 bedrooms}? Last but not least...
Question # 6: Would your rule be scandalous and make the tabloids, or would you live graciously and quietly?
Good day Citizens of Blog land, I hope your exponentially happy today!

Friday, September 18, 2009

3,5,2, & Swap Hint

That would be three hours of sleep last night, which is better than the night before, but lack of sleep is making my brain mush.
Five...more pounds lost for a total of 35 since my first botox treatment, but at this rate the pictures of me at my son's wedding are not going to be pretty. I'm not really a vain person, but the amount of weight gain caused by Dystonia combined with peoples cruel comments last winter when I was at my worst has given me a self image problem! And we can go back to 1 1/2 and 3 hours of sleep for the last two days on top of all of the nights before is making me look worn and haggered...
Two...TGIF! Two days off, I need so badly! And hopefully I will finish the last little touches on my swaps and get them to the post office, and probably, hopefully, catch up on my sleep, which will cause another issue called "guilt" because the weekends are really the only "real" amount of time I have to see American Husband and my babe's so I hate to spend it sleeping! Not to mention, it's the only real time I have to catch up on things that drive me crazy and can't get to all week, so.... Ugh! "Stop the merry-go-round!" I want to feel and look calm and beautiful like the lady in the blue dress above....
And to that..."Have a blessed day good citizens of blog land!"

Thursday, September 17, 2009

1 1/2

One and one half. That's the number of hours of sleep I got last night. I was going to say, it's going to be a rough day, but I believe in the power of I'm going to say, "Today will be perfectly splendid!" The good news is I got a lot done on my circus swap last night. I hope Julie likes what I'm pulling together...She is another uber talented person who combines so many things I love on her blog, cupcakes, art, vintage colors...I could go on but you should just jump on over there and check it out! Promise you'll love it! This has been such a fun swap to do. So easily inspirable! Is that a word, "inspirable?" You know what I mean, in any case, my life always feels like a circus so it was the perfect swap for me to do.

The new medication was supposed to help me sleep, I think this is guinea #4 prescription for sleep. It was supposed to calm me and my nerve endings. It does kind of work, it's effectiveness last about an hour. And to that, good citizens of blog land, time for me to jump into the circus ring, I hope you all have a blessed day!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


What is your passion? I was speaking with someone a few weeks ago about self discovery. This person has had seemingly insurmountable challenges to face in her life and so far has came out victorious but is still working on living her best life. She shared with me that she has no memory of her childhood. She has experienced childhood rape, was then sent away to foster care when she became pregnant and was not taken back home to her parents until the child was born and sent off for adoption, horrifying for me to think, no, this wasn't the 1950's when this happened to her, it was the 80's. How could her parents have done that to her? The loss of another child, overcame drug abuse, most recently she has conquered her smoking habit, is currently working on her weight and self image and has asked her husband for a divorce. Although she has been clean for about six years she still attends and is very active in her Narcotics Anonymous group. The title of this post could be called "Courage," but, perhaps the biggest challenge in her life still facing her may be the "loss of self." She said to me, "I don't know what I love." She said, "I keep thinking and thinking, but I truly can't figure out what I love or what I want." The words she spoke resonated through my body, I could physically feel her pain. She is honest with herself and others about the space she is in right now and acknowledges it is her ownership. In the photo above Salvador Dali demonstrates his representation of feminine passion. Look at the hands reaching out, yearning, daring to reach for something more. I think that most women can relate to this deep desire for discovery. We give so much of ourselves to others that it naturally becomes our identity, and becomes the expectation of those around us. I am thinking about starting a project. It would be called "I Am" the rest to be filled in by individual women. What words would you say after the words, "I Am?" Most women when asked would say..."Wife, mother, daughter, sister..." And yes, we are all of those things, but after removing and setting those labels aside, who are you, what is your passion, what stirs you to evoke strong emotion? What is the passion so strong that it wakes you from your slumber?" I have always believed that the universe will send to you what ever you are searching for...I find it interesting that as I struggle through this journey of self discovery that two women within the last month have shared their stories with me. Random conversations initiated by them. Do we dare, do we have the courage to truly be ourselves, to travel the journey of discovery of who we truly are? Do we dare to peel off the cloaks that the world has assigned us?

I will leave you with a quote by Joss Whedon...

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.”

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Empty nest, Dr.s Appt. First Day Back, Swaps and Random Thoughts.

I think I may be experiencing a little bit of empty nest, again! This catches me off guard, since I never thought I'd be one of "those" women. What does that mean? "Those," I don't know, the whole time the babies were growing, I acknowledged through out the years that they were only on loan to me and my job was solely to raise them to be beautiful people for this world, they were only on loan to know those talk shows were you'd see children and mothers on, revealing the most intimate details of there life, mothers sobbing, children saying, "your driving me nuts!" Well, I'm not sobbing, it's more like a little piece of me is lost and I keep looking for it. With baby boy buying his very first house, and baby girl graciously moved in with boyfriend for what was only supposed to be two weeks, so that grandparents could use her room, well she hasn't returned yet. Well, that's overstated, she has returned for visits and has made comments on how well things were going. I know it won't be long now...I have watched her yearn for the last year for her own independence, I remember that feeling when I was about seven years younger than the age she is now. Before, she didn't feel secure with her job, it was only part time, now her new job is full time, she's adjusting well and I see her doing math with the paycheck, and she has expressed over the last year for the need for her own place...I know this is exactly what is supposed to happen, my job is done, but why can't I shake this bitter/sweet lost feeling that encompasses me any time my mind isn't focused on something else...Is that the secret? Empty nest mother's who manage this transition successfully do so by just keeping themselves so busy they can't think about it? I won't have a problem doing that, it seems that has been a constant state of my entire life...but every now and again, I have trouble because I'm thinking about them instead of what I really should be focusing on....she is a very thoughtful baby girl though, she always calls...last night after work she called to say she was just too tired to stop by after work and was going straight "home." She had called American husband to let him know, when he told me what she said, the word "home," made my heart wince just a little. It's that time of year again, fall...oh how I miss midwest fall. "You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl." We don't really get real "fall" here in Oz, by "real" I mean "midwest" real. Colored leaves in every tree and scattered about the ground, crisp morning air, trips to the apple orchard and real apple cider, hay rides...In about seven days my fall swaps are due for the mail box and I only have them about half done...Tonight I need to commit myself and finish them, it has been a delight to have an inch of my life back and American husband has been very supportive and not complained about the mess I make when I create, especially since I have to be creative on our dining room table since we no longer have a "spare" room. This is huge for him since he's a total neat freak, but he's the good kind, he has actually always helped me with housework, no matter what it was, without complaint and without me asking, he will just do what ever needs to be done...which is a good thing, I could never be married to a couch potato. I hate to admit it, but he has actually always been more neat than I, in fact he in his own motivation has improved my motivation for a tidy house, without saying a word, just by his actions, the only time he has ever really complained was in one of my creative messes, especially if it involves "glitter!" LOL. My first day back wasn't as awful as I imagined, but then again, I was so swamped in catching
up, I didn't have time to think of anything else. Over 500 emails in my inbox, and anxious staff members to catch me up on all the drama that went on while I was out. And then there was the doctors appointment in the late afternoon. She prescribed new meds we go with the guinea pig thing again...this time it was an anti-depressant, when she first suggested it I said "no" and then re-thought my position and accepted it. When I told American husband what she had prescribed I could hear the concern in his voice, even though all he said was, "oh." American husband has always needed me to be the strong one in this union and he's having a bit of a hard time seeing me "broken." Although he is very supportive, I can still see the worry and the fear in him. He always says to me, "your strong, your a fighter, you will beat this," so last night, I tried to assure him by telling him that this is only temporary, but in light of everything, toxic work place, on top of disorder believed to be caused by toxic work place that I just need help right now...he seemed to accept my comment, or at least he was supportive. Speaking of..gotta run, shower madhatter time, just received call for first fires of the day so I need to get there...Plus I'm trying to stop writing these long blog updates, but it seems that once my thoughts starts spilling my fingers won't stop! Another thing I need to work on! And to that..."have a blessed day good citizens of blog land!"

Monday, September 14, 2009

Back to Work Today

Nooo, I'm not ready, twelve days off, but that included weekends and the holiday, so I really only had to use seven vacation days, which is critical and I watch like a hawk now because of Dystonia. Can't afford to run out of option days. Not that it matters, soulless will challenge me on any day off I ask for. It seems like I only had two days off truly. Having the in-laws for 14 days depleted everything, and I spent the last two days since they boarded the bird trying to catch up. Ahhh...if only I had another week...I wonder if at the end of that week I'd want another...Dahhh!...of course I would. I'm surprised at myself, never used to feel that way. It's really an issue that I need to deal with in my head! Riding the fence on what to do with my life because I can't figure it out. Med bills, need for med insurance, economy, American husband still looking for a job because business closed...blah,blah,blah, not helping me here... I keep giving myself motivational speeches in my head, which I guess really does make me a head case! To that, I need to run like a Madhatter, before I go into another Pollyanna speech and I should shower before I return, not to mention, soulless is going to have a heart attack when I tell her I have to leave early for a Dr.'s appt this afternoon...can't be helped, she won't see it that way and I'll try to invisibly plug my ears when she makes her snide comments! Good day citizens of blog land and I hope you have a blessed day today!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fall in Love Today...

I found a new site today that captivates my imagination, I love to get lost in blog land these days...probably too much. Lisa Kettell is amazing!!!
Before moving to Oz, I spent twenty years making a living {almost} as a folk artist. Well, my American Husband says that anyway, humbly I say crafty enough to be a stay at home mom, home school and raise my babies.
I did however have a regular clientele base. I sold wholesale to Folk Art stores, and made enough to keep me home while American Husband held consistent employment. I loved that life! Then we moved to Oz and for some reason I felt like I lost my Mojo. Babies raised, not needing me any more, culture shock, small town, no stop light midwest girl moves a million miles away to big city and corporate life. This last year with Dystonia has taught me so many things, life is too short too not do what you really love, to be in love with every thing and every one around you! Inch by inch I'm fighting for my life back, trying to figure out who I am, what I am and what I love! Today I love Lisa Kettell, she has a million things going on, a million sites, [ok, I'm exaggerating] but she does seem to have a lot going on which reminds me of the old life that I loved so much. Check this other one out, not to mention her book, which would be awesome for me to have today for inspiration since I'm working on my circus swap.
Kind of like my big sister Mitzi, Cherry Queen extraordinaire, amazing artist and amazing mother to six beautiful Cherry Princess'! I'm in love with all of them too! It seems like I got to this place so quickly and it's taking so long to find my way back, like being lost in a thick forest. It's ok, it will be ok, as my big sister constantly reminds me, my given name does mean "warrior spirit." And to all of that, I say "Good day Blog land Citizens!" Baby girl's here and needs me to show her how to make Cheesy Broccoli soup for supper tonight, but first we have to shop! I hope you all find something to fall in love with today!

Friday, September 11, 2009

9-11/ God Bless America and Airport Day

To those of you who serve, sacrifice and give every day, past and present, for our life, liberty and happiness...thank you is hollow and not deep enough sentiment for what you give. For every family who misses a loved one, to every child who wakes up every morning without their mother or father or both, I pray for grace and for God's mercy and love to blanket you. To those of you whose loss is unimaginable to those of us so grateful, I pray for you peace.
God Bless America! Today, tomorrow and always. We are a resiliant nation that does not go gently, with humble courage we persevere.

Woke up this morning much the same as every other morning, except, I'm excited, it's airport day! I love going to airports, does that make me a weirdo? I just find them so interesting and there is an energy there that you don't get any place else. Milk gravy and biscuits done to fill the in-laws up before their day of travel. Woke sleepy head American husband up, I'm sure this day is bittersweet for him, for's been a looonnnggg two weeks. Doesn't feel like I've had a vacation from work...tried to be a good sport, but getting my life back will be awesome! If my life is always going to be a circus, why can't I look like this babe? To that point, keeping it short, in-laws eating breakfast, need to get in the shower so we can drive it like we stole it to the airport!
And to all you citizens in blog land, have a great and blessed day!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Baby Girl's Birthday, Baby Boy's New House, Beautiful Wedding and Random Thoughts

Baby girl turned 22 on Monday. Labor Day. Yes I was in the hospital on Labor Day with appropriate...and I was in the hospital on Mother's day for Baby boy's entrance into the world. She was delighted and is delightful! She received everything pretty much a modern girl needs...Yummy bubble bath items complete with a rubber ducky... A pink tool kit complete with a hammer that you can see by the picture she was thrilled with...pop up sock monkey from her dad, sock monkeys being one of her favorite things...speaking of, baby girl wasn't unemployed a

single day when the business she worked for closed...she got such glowing recommendations that she left her previous employer one day and started with her new one the next...same type of business so the word spread fast with the connections from previous. Bad news was she had to leave her previous manager behind whom she lovingly called her work mom, that was hard for her...I am so thankful for other loving women in the world that take my daughter under their wing. The picture of the bouquet is one we put together for work mama for baby girl to take to her on her last day of work. Ok..moving on. I promised a sneaky hint of my
crafty activities for my swaps I'm participating in...I think this one will really keep both my swap partners guessing...especially since both swaps are world's apart in theme...themes are still followed, but after talking to little Gypsy Mermaid, she inspired me in ways I can not explain, you so need to check out her blog!
A couple more days and I will be sending in the mail...I need to finish them up this weekend...It's been too crazy with the in-laws here...we take them back to the airport tomorrow... I have tremendously enjoyed being in swaps again, it's such good therapy for me. Back to the picture, it's a puzzlingly good one I think...I so hope my new swappy friends like what I've pulled together...I'm a little nervous they won't...ok here's the picture...see if you can guess what it is...

On another note...sweet adorable couple got married, they were both beautiful. Sweet little brides favorite color was purple, so I made purple roses on their wedding cake. It was pretty when I made it...but like all weddings big or small there is always a glitch...Beautiful groom refused to take the day off, even after I told him to, so I told him I at least wanted him to leave by 11 a.m. They were to be married on Wednesday. Tuesday afternoon, on my way home from work, I was sooo excited and happy to do this for them, I stopped and bought arm fulls of flowers...happiest I've
been in so long, Dystonia was in check, I was feeling great...and then I made the mistake of taking a totally unnecessary work call that was so venomous I ended up hanging up on my peer. I know people keep saying "no known cause, no known cure," well at least my nuero does...but don't you think it's odd that I went into a full blown Dystonic attack after the phone call? I've also talked to several other people who have claimed extreme stress at the onset, myself included, the stories maybe different, but the common theme is the stress, I believe mine is caused by a toxic work environment, for others it is personal situations. Although I'm so much better than where I was thanks to the botox, I still have episodes like the one on the afternoon I was to pull the flowers and the cake together for the beautiful couple. Back to that... I hang up the phone, my neck is cranking to the left, I keep trying to pull it back, I swallow medicine, get my wraps, get my tenz machine...I'm determined not to let the beautiful couple down...
As you can see, I did it, however it was a night and morning of torturous hell trying to accomplish this. I would do it all over again I love them both so much. The next morning I'm so dystonic and sick I can't figure out how I'm even going to get the cake and flowers to work for beautiful groom to take at 11 a.m. when he was to leave. I got there exactly at ll a.m. after sending the soulless and email telling her I would need a sick day. The plan was to drop off and come straight back home to bed. My American husband helped me pull everything together and to the car. I get on the express way that has been under construction for an eternity that is littered with signs every 10 ft that state, "caution, uneven pavement," I'm watching the cake vibrate back and forth, back and forth, almost like my head! I'm begging, "please just let me get this cake there in one piece!" Then, someone in front of me slammed on their brakes, which made me do the same, you guessed it, top layer slammed into the side of the box. Long story short, cake in ruins, I arrive, explain to the beautiful groom, and he assured me it was still beautiful, those sweet kids looked so beautiful, when he sends me the pictures I will post, and they still cut the ruined cake and fed each other a piece and took pictures of that much love. I did come right back home and go to bed for the rest of the day. The soulless chastised me. Typical. Said it seemed strange that I could deliver cake and flowers, but couldn't stay for work. I asked her if she would have rather I were the type of person that did not honor her word and would let one of my staff members down? I also asked if she needed me to start every morning by sitting in her office crying and telling her how sick I am for her to believe that I have a horrific disorder?
I don't understand why she can not appreciate that I struggle every day to handle my disorder with dignity and strength...but then again, that is why she is called soulless. Which brings me to another random thought, I can't decide which way to go with this blog, originally, before Dystonia, meant as a cheerful, now I seem to share things that aren't so cheerful...I've thought about starting a blog just for Dystonia, but two blogs would be too many for me to manage, and although Dystonia is not my whole life, it is a large part of it...for right now anyway. Hmmmm...still pondering, but as this post is already too long...I'm going to leave you all with the best news of the day... Baby boy signs papers any day on his very own first house. We met him and his fiance at the new palace for the final inspection with his awesome real estate lady today, with some elbow grease and a little paint it will be fit for a king, which is what his name means, {little king}, so proud and happy for him. And to that good citizens of blog land, blessings and good night... more Bob, he has been part of our family since baby boy was about six. Bob came in a magicians kit, he came with a card board box that baby boy would stick little plastic swords through, amazingly Bob lived, and stands beside the silver candlelabra on our table so patient and noble, just waiting to be of service. :)
Tee Hee the perfect man...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Starched Undies Proved Acceptable as my Mother in Law turns 72!

It's been a couple of days, mother and father-in-law arrived safely, mother-in-law counted my American Husbands fingers and toes twice and found my care of him once again acceptable!
WHEW!!! Birthday party for 72 years proved acceptable as well, and went off with out a hitch considering it was a birthday breakfast at 8 a.m. and my children dutifully and respectfully showed up to wish her well because they had to be to work at 10. Best kids in the world! I do so love them! Meanwhile, I've been trying to work on my swaps in between, which is the best medicine in the world for grateful for the Diva's who generously sponsor these! (American husband thinks it's a little rude, love him, but don't care, well, I do, but you know what I mean.) This is my vacation too, and since I haven't had one in five years...I think I can take a little time? To that I say..."Good day citizens of blog land," Until next time....

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

A Day with a Disengaged Dystonic Invisible Woman

The red orange characters on the small gray box resting on my dresser indicate that it is 1:00 a.m. I know better than to look at it with my eyes open further than a squint. I roll over in my bed in hopes that the illumination will not completely raise me from the semi-conscious sleep state...I lay trying to send myself back to a pleasant imagination of sleep. My body already warning me of the pain that has laid dormant waiting for me to acknowledge it. I resist the reach for the round and square, yellow and burgundy tablets. It is not time, it is not time...3:00 a.m. I repeat the exercise, this time I can not pretend to be in a state of semi-consciousness. My body has awoke and demands that the pain should stop, my stomach rolls with the sickness of round,square, yellow and burgundy poison that I had taken less than six hours ago. Every morning begs the choice of which I can find more bearable. I pause to feel if my feet, my faithful feet will hold me as I try to slowly stand. I stumble in the attempt and find my buttocks resting on a sliver of my bed side. I sit and wait, just a moment, and beg that they should deliver me again, to the bathroom, to the kitchen for a cup and saucer of mint tea to try to settle the disagreement, as my body holds me in contempt. It is now 4:30 am. I have settled into the Queen Anne chair that I had bought at a tag sale in the early onset of this war. Faded blue and white stripes welcome me with the tall back that will support me until the medicinal poison saturates the nerve endings that scream throughout my body. The tall back of the chair stained with a small tannish spot, oval in shape, that we have tried to remove with every remedy possible. Maybe it its meant to stay, maybe it is the talisman, held to the chair of the one before that finally rose to walk away, well and bright with light so that it could be passed on to another that would need the powerful magic woven fiber by fiber. I again sit and wait. Finally the intensity subsides, the feet are still resisting the duty of another day, I insist and stand limpidly. Small methodical stretches try to awaken and make peace with the opposing muscles. There will be no peace, forcibly I beg and curse each step to the little kitchen that has not welcomed a family whose love of food and glorious substances will not allow for all to bear presence. I wipe my eyes and reach for the large white and red cup printed with the word coffee in every language. Once filled with steaming water and mint it will allow me less trips to the tiny kitchen filled with cheap, bargain basement appliances that appeared the day we moved here. How odd I thought, since the model I was shown was completely different, filled with brushed steel fixtures, I think of this every time I enter this little room. It is now 5:30, I have wrapped my neck in the warmth of terrycloth filled with rice and scented with lavender, again forced to wait, begging the rage to stop. I sit in the talisman, waiting, waiting. I open my lap top and try to prepare my mind for the day, check my emails and my calender to make sure I haven't forgotten an early morning meeting, and then I wait some more. I am waiting for my body to straighten, to stop screaming, to enter the shower, waiting for another day of pretending that Dystonia is not part of my life, and more importantly to mold my appearance acceptable to the world that have judged me cruelly over the last twelve months. Everything I do is a micro movement of lesson in pain. I fight and still I fight, I will not go gently. It is 8:00 a.m. I am finally into the shower, but know already that I will be chastised. By the time I am finished and make the track to work it will most likely be around 9:15 ish. She will be sitting at the end of the long hall, looking out the glass window watching, maybe she will make a catchy comment, maybe it will be a glare, none the less it will recognizable chastisement. It has already been eight hours to take me to this point. I pull in to the parking lot in my usual manner, I gather my briefcase, one last sip of tea and slowly and methodically prepare the smile that will need to present itself by the time I punch my code into the door. Micro steps as I wonder how normal I look, how well do I look today? I haven't worn the cervical collar for at least six months now, however, no one can seem to forget it. Mindlessly they will ask at least every other time I pass if it feels good not to have to wear it, as they compliment me on how well I look. I step into the stale tan kitchen already the table is strewn with today's news. I refill my cup with water, and take in a deep breath, hoping the soulless has left her office just long enough for me to get into mine. I pretend she hasn't already checked eight or ten times if I was in yet. Eventually she will stop in, she will assume the tight anatomical position of her cerebrum assuming it looks inviting, she says's the same thing every morning, "Hi Kel," as she walks behind me to get a peek at how many programs I have open on my screen and so that she can ever so slightly touch my shoulders, I'm sure she sees it as her duty to accentuate warmth as her molars drip blood stained from her own flesh, not others. At least not others wise enough to know to wear talisman on their sleeve, and armor around there heart. Every morning it is an exercise in dignity for me, as I want to make a caterwaul of expletives so that she might leave my office never to return, never to touch my shoulders in such a perverse manner that leaves you hollow, barren like rape. I look off to the right of her shoulder to allow her to believe that I am aware of her presence without directly looking into her black eyes. She is satisfied.