Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Empty nest, Dr.s Appt. First Day Back, Swaps and Random Thoughts.

I think I may be experiencing a little bit of empty nest, again! This catches me off guard, since I never thought I'd be one of "those" women. What does that mean? "Those," I don't know, the whole time the babies were growing, I acknowledged through out the years that they were only on loan to me and my job was solely to raise them to be beautiful people for this world, they were only on loan to me...you know those talk shows were you'd see children and mothers on, revealing the most intimate details of there life, mothers sobbing, children saying, "your driving me nuts!" Well, I'm not sobbing, it's more like a little piece of me is lost and I keep looking for it. With baby boy buying his very first house, and baby girl graciously moved in with boyfriend for what was only supposed to be two weeks, so that grandparents could use her room, well she hasn't returned yet. Well, that's overstated, she has returned for visits and has made comments on how well things were going. I know it won't be long now...I have watched her yearn for the last year for her own independence, I remember that feeling when I was about seven years younger than the age she is now. Before, she didn't feel secure with her job, it was only part time, now her new job is full time, she's adjusting well and I see her doing math with the paycheck, and she has expressed over the last year for the need for her own place...I know this is exactly what is supposed to happen, my job is done, but why can't I shake this bitter/sweet lost feeling that encompasses me any time my mind isn't focused on something else...Is that the secret? Empty nest mother's who manage this transition successfully do so by just keeping themselves so busy they can't think about it? I won't have a problem doing that, it seems that has been a constant state of my entire life...but every now and again, I have trouble because I'm thinking about them instead of what I really should be focusing on....she is a very thoughtful baby girl though, she always calls...last night after work she called to say she was just too tired to stop by after work and was going straight "home." She had called American husband to let him know, when he told me what she said, the word "home," made my heart wince just a little. It's that time of year again, fall...oh how I miss midwest fall. "You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl." We don't really get real "fall" here in Oz, by "real" I mean "midwest" real. Colored leaves in every tree and scattered about the ground, crisp morning air, trips to the apple orchard and real apple cider, hay rides...In about seven days my fall swaps are due for the mail box and I only have them about half done...Tonight I need to commit myself and finish them, it has been a delight to have an inch of my life back and American husband has been very supportive and not complained about the mess I make when I create, especially since I have to be creative on our dining room table since we no longer have a "spare" room. This is huge for him since he's a total neat freak, but he's the good kind, he has actually always helped me with housework, no matter what it was, without complaint and without me asking, he will just do what ever needs to be done...which is a good thing, I could never be married to a couch potato. I hate to admit it, but he has actually always been more neat than I, in fact he in his own motivation has improved my motivation for a tidy house, without saying a word, just by his actions, the only time he has ever really complained was in one of my creative messes, especially if it involves "glitter!" LOL. My first day back wasn't as awful as I imagined, but then again, I was so swamped in catching
up, I didn't have time to think of anything else. Over 500 emails in my inbox, and anxious staff members to catch me up on all the drama that went on while I was out. And then there was the doctors appointment in the late afternoon. She prescribed new meds again...here we go with the guinea pig thing again...this time it was an anti-depressant, when she first suggested it I said "no" and then re-thought my position and accepted it. When I told American husband what she had prescribed I could hear the concern in his voice, even though all he said was, "oh." American husband has always needed me to be the strong one in this union and he's having a bit of a hard time seeing me "broken." Although he is very supportive, I can still see the worry and the fear in him. He always says to me, "your strong, your a fighter, you will beat this," so last night, I tried to assure him by telling him that this is only temporary, but in light of everything, toxic work place, on top of disorder believed to be caused by toxic work place that I just need help right now...he seemed to accept my comment, or at least he was supportive. Speaking of..gotta run, shower madhatter time, just received call for first fires of the day so I need to get there...Plus I'm trying to stop writing these long blog updates, but it seems that once my thoughts starts spilling my fingers won't stop! Another thing I need to work on! And to that..."have a blessed day good citizens of blog land!"

No comments: