In the arms of the Angels.

It was never promised that we would not know pain, only that we would never be alone, I tell myself over and over.  At what point does my warrior spirit rest and take a step back to let the angels do the bidding?  Always.  Always. As they take me to their breast like a child in mothers arms. It is they that wield the sword, the tears and the exhausten come from the struggle  of trying to understand

A different dream...

Melancholy, deep to the core. If I can understand, I can try to accept. So much I don't understand. So much I try to accept, so much I can not. The humanity of it all brings me to my knees. Pray, pray with out ceasing, perhaps all that we can accept is the deep knowing of peace within our own truths that we hold with in our own hearts.  Still tonight, I could drive away into the dark night, and not look back. There is never a promise of tomorrow, but should I be blessed with another, I will humble myself to the gift of  another day and try to dream a differnet dream.   A dream where peace and love if all there is, and healing would envelope every soul that is wounded.

I Need a Vacation!

Did you hear the latest? Well Muffy said that Dorris bought this outrageously priced bracelet just to make Kirsten jealous. Then Kirsten went down to Dillards and bought those new french heels that every one has just been dying to have. In any case I think they're having an affair... Ughhh! I need a vacation! A serious vacation!

Run, Run, Run, as Fast as You Can...

Flying like a crazy mad-hatter, too much to do, clocks ticking. Wedding cakes to bake, bouquets to make, re-organizing the kitchen cupboards, mother-in-laws coming, wedding tomorrow, swaps to complete, crafty mess to hide before my American Husband has a break down. Ugh...and then there is that pesky little thing called employment that would like me to show up, well, at least my bank account would like the paycheck it provides, so the later is mandatory. Praying with out ceasing, a shower would be nice. All that said, if only I could look like Ms. Apron who looks like she is just so much more organized than I!
My cup runneth over....If only I could have legs like that and fish nets under my apron!

Immediate Considerations

Immediate consideration # 1

***PRIORITY ALERT***

This is my new sister friend Shari, she is exactly where I was four months ago. Shari is a new member of the "Lefties", and I'm calling out all "Prayer Warriors" on her behalf. The "Lefties" is a club that no one wants to be a member of. We are a group of people with

"DYSTONIA", capital letters and bolded. Dystonia is a rare neurological movement disorder of which symptoms and indications are individualized to it's subjects. I call us the Lefties because left to it's own, (no pun intended) our neck muscles will twist as far as it can twist to the left, threatening to either snap off or propel us into the horrific scene where Linda Blairs head just spins in circles! Of course, hopefully that couldn't happen, but it's exactly what it feels like. She goes for her first treatment tomorrow, please pray for her to have peace that passes understanding, faith and hope. She will be fabulous, she just doesn't know it yet. It's a hard place to be, I remember that place, it is dark and painful. If you would like to read about her experiences, check out her blog at:

http://sharisramblingsadystoniadiary.blogspot.com/

Please jump on over there and give her some cheer.

Immediate Consideration #2

Come on everyone, Cup Cake DD is having a "Circus Swap" and today's the last day to sign up! So come on, sign up, it's going to be a blast!

If nothing else, check out her blog, it is so delightful! It doesn't get yummier than this!!!

http://www.cupcakedd.blogspot.com/

Immediate Consideration #3

My mother in law is coming for a visit.

We pick her up from the airport on

Saturday and my husband has been as giddy as a five year old for two weeks.

Why is this an immediate consideration? Because, the nest needs a serious cleaning and since the move I haven't been able to organize my kitchen cupboards to save my life! And like all dutiful daughter-in-laws, even after twenty-three years of marriage, I want to assure my mother-in-law that her baby is being adequately cared for. Underwear starched, check... LOL! It will be fine, honestly. My mother-in-law and I are actually very lucky in that we have quite a nice relationship now.

Ok, that's it. Duty calls and I don't even have my shower yet. Let's see...a few more things...I miss me some Mitzi, I'm praying for Shari, and...Oh, I almost forgot, I spent the weekend being crafty...working on the little o' swap stuff for my little Gypsy Mermaid swap partner...OOOH Sarah, I think your really going to like your surprise! I'm going to tease you with some mysterious pictures later, just to inspire a little excitement. For now...Go and be well blog land citizens! I wish you a day of blessings!!!

Ok, I'm all done with my "Pollyanna feelings." Thank Goodness! Realization 264,000...
There are undoubtedly people in this world that have been blessed in such a way that they believe the entire world revolves around them. The problem with this for them is, they can not look beyond their own image. The problem with this for us is, that we have to walk beside them on this planet. Why can't they get stuck at the pool of water and then be turned into a beautiful flower?
Narcissus who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.
There are three people in my life who's random occupancy is nothing more than a twist of fate. They are not of my blood nor from my womb. Yet, I had extended to them the same love and grace as I would have to any loved one or stranger. Naively, I had made the mistake again in believing that kindness and grace bestowed is recognized as a gift and not an entitlement. The betrayals, the hatefulness once again pierced my heart. I have since determined that these three people are nothing more than nefarious villains. The grace once given will be given no more due to their iniquitous behavior, and what ever befall them will be of their own doing.
Maya Angelou once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I'm believing Ms. Angelou, I'm believing...
I am a strong, bold and loving woman with a prodigious heart, but I am not a fool.

Let us go forth with fear and courage and rage to save the world.
(And Ourselves!)

-Grace Paley
American Writer

Poison Apple

I awoke to discover that I had indeed eaten the poison apple again. I asked the queen why she had such contempt for me. She proclaimed her love, and
exclaimed no one could be fairer than the queen.

Haste, she is not the true queen.

Picture Credit~Cyril-Helnwein

Mirror Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all? ... betrayal by love, ever just feel duped, or like a schmuck?
I look into the mirror and ask, "who am I that I constantly continue to be naive about the goodness of people?" I'm too old to repeat such patterns, aren't I?
I really don't know how to be any other way. I can not live in a world that would require me to question the motives of every person that I come in contact with. Assumptive. I am too assumptive.
(is that even a word?) I always believe that you should be kind to everyone, help when ever you can. Kindness is it's own reward. Maybe, that is the wrong
assumption. Or maybe it's because I am always over the top and love everyone too extremely. More is not always better. And when will I learn?

By the way, you can find the great mirror above at, "The Mirror Lady.Com"

Hope you have a blessed day!

The Day We Discovered We Were Cherry Queens

My sister Mitzi...
Isn't she beautiful? She glows from the inside out. She is amazing. Best friend to the world, mother of six princess' and wife to her traveling husband, King Hans. She is an amazing artist, and my creative muse. The picture on the right was taken of us at her Princess Amy's wedding, of which was stunningly beautiful as well as the adorable addition of Prince Joe, of whom I could just bite because he is so delightful.

This is the day we discovered we were Cherry Queens, sitting on the back of a convertible in my beloved Sonoma. Mitzi had traveled thousands of miles to see me, oh how I wish our Kingdoms weren't so far from each other. Queen Mitzi is the friend that everyone would want to have and the sister that I am so humbly grateful to have in my life. There is no one you would want in your corner more than her if the chips are down, and she is more fun than a barrel of monkeys! Love and miss you Mitzi...

Miracles and New Beginnings

New life, new beginnings, new hope. This new life is about to come into the world welcomed by two very special people whom anxiously await with so much love. As I have watched this miracle evolve over the last seven months, I am so inspired by the glow, the anticipation, the love that I have seen in the two of them. This wondrous little miracle must already know how wanted and loved he is. Look at how comfortably he lay in the womb, sucking his little thumb, patiently waiting to come into the waiting world. His name is Alexander. Baby Alexander is due to arrive mid October, and I feel so blessed that they have both shared their experience with me.

I adore both of them, and admire the deep love that they both exude for this experience and baby Alexander. It makes me pause to evaluate all that matters in this world. It seems like only yesterday that my babies were born, that they grew through every stage too quickly, that even now I want to hold them in my arms again, like I did when I thought that I could keep them in my arms forever. My babies have grown into magnificent people whom I also adore. Every part of them. Even the parts of them that I at times may not understand, or that drive me mad. Even during those moments I know how blessed and lucky I am. Wistful memories saturate the present, every time I look into their eyes the memories flood and play through my mind like a picture show. They have always been best friends, and still play together like they did when they were little. It brings me such happiness to see the delighted expressions on their faces every time they are together. The mischief and the teasing and picking at each other. They would be lost without one another. They are truly just beautiful people inside and out and I am so grateful that God gave them to me to love and care for. Ironic that they are both about to start new beginnings in their own life. My baby boy just went into escrow on his very own first house yesterday, I am so proud of him and his tenacity and perseverance to make his dream a reality. He's only 23, but he is determined to make this happen as he struggles through the process, which is not an easy thing to accomplish any where, especially in this economy, but even more so in Northern California. On the flip side, my baby girl has been told that the business she works for is closing the door due to the economic environment and she is about to embark on finding new employment which is totally out of her comfort zone since she loved working for and with her manager of whom she would lovingly call her "work mom", and she has always struggled with change. I am not worried, she will be fabulous, she is fabulous.

Look at the delighted expression on baby girl's face as her big brother teases and plays and hams it up with her. =) Ahhh...wistful sigh.

So much love all around....

Don't We All Wish We Could Fly?

Or at least play with abandonment of any space or time. Like when we were children and we could just get lost in what ever place we were in at that moment.

Life is Like a Circus Swap

This one looked like too much fun to pass up. Mitzi, I thought for sure you would join me with this one! = ) Thanks to Julie @ CupcakeDD, you have to check out this deliciously lovely, sweet blog. It feels so wonderful to get a little bit of what I love back....
http://www.cupcakedd.blogspot.com/


The dentist appointment for my American husband went well. He liked the new dentist which is good news, I'm hoping that this will lead to him taking better care of himself and making regular appointments. He will need to return next Wednesday to get three back teeth pulled. Then Dr. DDS said they would worry about getting the rest in tip top shape. I think his face swelling to resemble a blow fish frieghtened him enough to know it's time to stop fooling around and take care of these things.

Dystonia is about the same today. I'm just so exhausted! Day in, day out, I know, I need to stop complaining and have a better attitude, as there are those who are so much worse off than I. But, it's not a contest, as I always say to those who are feeling miserable and then apologize gratefully because they know there are others in worse shape. Ok. That's my little tid bit for today, off to the shower, duty calls....

Reporting for Duty

Back to work today. I wish I had one more day, then I would wish for another and another. I am entirely grateful to be gainfully employed, so I am trying to keep a dutiful attitude.
I have already accomplished a lot this morning, my sleeping husband will wake to a surprise that I have yet again spray painted our dining room chairs. This would be about layer number five. They have been many colors over the years, but last years colors of silver and cream do not match the new nest. He also won't be happy for where I painted them. Right outside of our front door where we share a small balcony with our next door neighbors, one of whom walked by in the middle of my project. I winced and apologized for the fumes, she was gracious and said, "that's ok, that's awesome." He knows I'm impetuous, he also knows that when something is in my head I have to get it out... so in all fairness, he should be happy I'm making our new nest so lovely. Our new neighbors seem friendly, they are young, it's like three's company in reverse, two young men and a young woman. I was a little apprehensive when I first saw them, tattoo's, lots of them, and a general look of anarchy about them. But they are very polite in passing and always smile and greet me respectfully. To my benefit, I usually get along well with the younger generation, no matter what life style they choose. It's been my experience that they only want kindness and respect and when given it is returned.
Felt really rough when I woke up this morning, didn't sleep well. I didn't take any med's last night before I went to bed. I need to try to not take them if I can help it. It bothers me to take so many strong prescriptions. I went from being a girl who wouldn't take an aspirin for a head ache to a "junkie" overnight. I say "junkie" because that is what all of these pills make me feel like. Like a bio hazard waste dump. I want that general sense of well being feeling back with out having to take a pill to accomplish it. I wish upon a star that one day I will wake up and dystonia will be a faint memory of some lesson, that I havn't figured out yet, that I had to learn and I will be in remission. For now, the shower waits, the chair is drying on the balcony, and I have to move quickly, I need to get in early as I will be taking a long lunch today to drag my significant other to the dentist. Uuuggghhh...an appointment he needed three years ago, but refused until his face swelled like a blow fish over the weekend and I had to call for an emergency prescription of antibiotic on Sunday for him. Have a blessed day, duty calls...

A Tribute to Bodecia Arietty Zinglehamper

My beautiful niece. I think of her as the Queen of Hearts. Her genuine beauty that radiates an unmistakable glow. A gift to the world. She has been on my mind for three days. Not just a random thought that pops in for a second and then leaves...but rather a constant hum through out the day. She is delightful, she is all that embodies everything true and good and kind. Just the thought of her sends a wistful sigh and a smile. Thanks for the smile Jess... Bodecia Arietty Zinglehamper, her alter ego, entices us to beg for more on her blog, http://blitheremarks.blogspot.com, left slightly unattended, I'm sure due to the fact that she has spent her summer volunteering as a camp counselor, which is soon coming to an end and then she will embark on a new adventure as an Au pair. Such a lucky family to have the Queen of Hearts to care for their most precious gift. I wish you courage and love as you travel on to your new adventure, I know you will be splendid as always.

I am thrilled to say that I have been accepted to participate in this swap hosted by Linda @ A Swap For All Seasons. This is exactly what the doctor ordered! Please visit her inspiring beautiful site at... http://aswapforallseasons.blogspot.com

I know how time consuming being hostess to a swap is, so generous for Linda to do this for us. Thank you Linda!

The doctors visit yesterday was the same as they always are. I get weighed. [Lost two more lbs. Hurray! Twenty-five total now, still have sixty to go...uuughhh. Doesn't really show yet, maybe a little in my face, it's my butt that's the slacker, first to grab it, last to leave it.. I am determined though, I soooo want to be the size I was before I got sick in time for my son's wedding in December.] The medical assistant takes me to the examination room, where she lethargically ask me every single month what I am there for. I tell her the same thing every time. She roughly takes my blood pressure, and exercises concern every time, yesterday was 100/54. It usually stays around that range, sometimes a little lower, so her concern yesterday made me roll my eyes and then giggle. Every visit is like that movie "Groundhog Day". The doctor comes in, I swear, she doesn't listen to half of what I say to her. She pulls out her prescription pad while she is sitting to talk to me, I talk, she says, "Uh Hu, Uh Hu, Uh Hu, writes me out a cocktail of prescriptions and sends me on my way. Yesterday she got a little crazy and prescribed "Clonazepam", 0.5 MG. It's definately not going to work for me! I took one last night when I got home @ 7:30 p.m. I haven't been able to stay awake since. It's 3:30 p.m. Saturday and I feel like I need to go to bed again. I have been sleeping since I took it last night, I've been awake three different times today for about 1/2 hr each and now I need to sleep again. The good new is that it took the pulling and twisting in my neck away. And since I was previously suffering from insomnia with no other sleep aide working, I now have no trouble sleeping, now it's ironically opposite...now I can't stay awake! I'm not taking it the rest of the weekend, I will call her on Monday and ask her to prescribe my Soma's back to me. She had changed it out thinking that the effectiveness of the Soma's were wearing off. Just one problem, I would like to be a part of the waking world!!!! I have got to get a new primary care physician who is actually interested in helping me. Doctor Ms. Uh Hu maybe great for prescription junkies, but I hate taking all of this stuff and I want my life back. I hope this stuff wears off soon, I feel like a drooler... Blessings to all of you citizens of Blog Land...I'm off to bed again...

Where did I go?

This was me, in my beloved Sonoma.

This picture was taken of me at one of the many weekend festivals that Sonoma host every summer. This photo was taken before Dystonia took over my life. So happy, always so much fun. My husband would always say that living in Sonoma was like being on vacation everyday. Unfortunately, for many reasons we have had to move from my beloved Sonoma. I am determined that it is short term, I did not say good-bye when we left, I said I will see you soon. It's ok. I'm taking my life back, inch by inch, I am determined to own my own life again. My last treatment of botox was on July 20th. This treatment so far has not had the same sucessful results as my first treatment. I have a few ideas why that I will have to share with you later. I have an appt. with my primary care physician in just a couple of hours so I need to prepare. I'll check in later to share my theories and how this appt. goes.