“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

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Things feel a little out of control right now... Trying to forgive myself and others for our own humanity. Why is it that we build giant pedestals to put those we love on? Maybe 'we' don't. Maybe only I do and this is something I need to work on. Who asked me to do that? No one. Yet I still found it necessary to build these pedestals from the ground up...some are made of velvet and satin, some are striped, some are polka a dot with all textures and measures of foo foo embellishments. I am reminded again how creative my mind is as I transformed certain loved ones into sculptures of expectations. I adorned them in the finest cloaks and stood them atop these fantastical pedestals and spun them in sugar with my own dream. I admired their texture and the sweet taste I imagined. No one asked and some how I insisted. When balance was lost and the pedestal toppled over I am forced to face disillusionment of my own making. How then am I to be a worthy lover, a worthy friend? Is true love not made of unconditional measures?

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This has been an exhausting week. Soulless continues in her cruel and evil discriminating tactics. Monday I spent 2 1/2 hrs on the phone in my car because there is no private sound proof room at the new location and the outside council had called with more questions. I've grown weary of this situation which in return directed our conversation in a way that I'm sure the outside council had not expected. She stuttered and stammered and abruptly changed her questioning when I called her out on certain questioning that I'm sure she had caressed over and over in her mind in an attempt to massage my words for an outcome that would not support or be beneficial to my claim. Make no mistake, she is not there to collect the facts on my behalf, she is there to access how large of risk I may be and to minimize damage and manage me... She gets her paycheck from the company and that is exactly where her loyalty lie. I think she got more than she expected which has been the theme through out this whole experience... everyone underestimating me... If it weren't so frustrating it would be ok, actually it still is as it works out to my advantage. She decided she would try to insist she did not say the word 'tangent' as many times as she did during the six and a half hours she wasted of my life that I will never get back on that fateful Friday. When I wouldn't allow her to convince me otherwise she changed course and decided that perhaps she did say that word over and over but that's not what she meant... I've been hearing that a lot lately, "Well, maybe I did but that's not what I meant..."

Too little to late, they've been given every chance to right the wrongs and to say what they mean, now they are facing a girl that has nothing to lose so they better fasten their seat belts. This was the second conversation I've had with her where she tried to dig into my Dystonia, every part of it, medical treatments, symptoms, etc...I stopped her, I told her that the intimate details of my Dystonia has nothing to do with the larger picture and none of her business. The only thing she needs to know is I developed Dystonia, if it wasn't caused by the toxic work environment soulless has created then it is certainly worsened by it, and secondly when I became broken and grew to substantial size, then I was no longer suitable for soulless and soulless had spent a year and a half demonstrating her cruelty and discrimination, as I was no longer 'pretty' enough to inhabit her world. That even I don't need a doctorate degree in employment law to know is illegal. And on the days that it's all too much, the pain, the frustration, I try to remember that soulless still to this day hasn't managed to rid me from her sight, and as hurtful and as much as I've suffered emotionally, mentally and physically from her actions, the fact that she has not won, she has not 'quit' me as much as she's tried is my little golden morsel to hold on to and in a strange way it gives me strength. It's like the pebble that David pulled back in his sling shot...

Madhatter time...Joy to you all... XO Keke

Then let us give thanks for true friends, strong woman, the adventure of a far away land and a good cup of joe...

I had coffee again this morning with my friend Sarah, she was my first true friend when I landed here in Oz.

(Sarah walking down the aisle with her father. Sarah has panache and style like no one I know.)

It is so lovely to meet her at the coffee shop on Saturday mornings, even if we have nothing to say (which never happens) it brings such comfort to have her sit beside me. Her energy is so palpable, she is the kind of person determined without effort to live life to the fullest, to experience everything. Sarah is the friend I wish every one had.

(Maybe it's in the name. )

(Sarah and her new husband Mark, a couple truly made in heaven. These pics are actually from their wedding in June 2007. As with everything Sarah does it was amazingly beautiful, creative and no detail was spared. They had it in their back yard and it was dreamy and romantic.)

My baby boy's best friends name is Sarah too, and she is much the same...articulate, intelligent,feisty, fun and holds the biggest heart in the world. Sarah is one of my cheerleaders, we actually met at work, we started in the same department together within a month or two of each other. We also experienced and survived one of soulless evil minions together, that experience bonded us forever...lucky for Sarah, she got out and went to report under a completely different chain of command and her experience with this company has been much different than mine. I wasn't so lucky, I seemed to have gotten stuck under the evil soulless... But I have to remember with out regret the gift this experience brought me which was my friend "Sarah."

(Can you believe this wedding cake? The pic doe not do it justice and it was just one more detail perfectly executed. Now that I'm looking at these pics again, I didn't remember seeing the pedestal the cake was on that day. It's beautiful and I wish I would have remembered because the sandcastle wedding cake I made for baby boy's wedding would have looked amazing on a pedestal such as this...)

Sarah is also an amazing artist and truly creative person, she usually wins first place and best of show at the annual local flower show almost every summer. This is not a humble feet...

( Sarah called this display, "The Minute Man's Garden" and as always no detail was spared.)

Every year the event coordinator's pick a theme. I think this was the display she did for 2008 show and I think if I remember correctly the theme was the Revolutionary War... It is then up to the participants to best represent the theme.

For this spectacular "Minuteman" display Sarah won 1st place, Best use of summer annuals and Best use of theme at the flower show.

(This is a close up view of "The Minuteman's Garden")

A Press Statement:
"The Sonoma County Fair Flower Show is the largest themed flower show in the U.S. and a stunning showcase of the region's best garden designers, both pro and amateur. The shows Flower Show Preview on Sunday, July 26, also generates funds for the Fair's Flower Show Scholarships"

So now you have met my friend Sarah and I've had a chance to remember to be grateful no matter what each day brings, the fact that I am so lucky to have strong women in my life, women such as Sarah, all of you, my baby girl and my Mitzi and her band of princess'... Women at the sidelines cheering me on, listening to me without judgement and loving me when I feel so broken, yes, I do indeed know how lucky I am... Thank you for your love.

Another dream room, all of this is totally a place for me to dream, to feel cozy and well kept. I can conjur up this feeling even just dreaming of having a room like this...I found it on a site called

"Where Kari Create".

http://wherekaricreate.blogspot.com/

Just one little problem...I'm language challenged...

This is what it said underneath the picture:

"Afgelopen zondag ben ik weer naar La campagne geweest...Vanaf nu is ze voorlopig iedere zondag open.Het is altijd zo gezellig daar heerlijk,gewoon alsof je ben een goede vriendin even op de koffie komt,maar dan een waarbij je de inboedel kan kopen..Koffie ,thee gulhwijn gewoon wijn het staat allemaal klaar voor je...Dus je weet waar je me zondag kan vinden.... "

Could some one please translate this for me...it looks like such a lovely site...This isn't the first time I've ran across this challenge, I just can't figure out how to get around it. Lucky for me her pics are so wonderful, they by themselves make it worth the visit...

I would like to leave you all with one last thought:

"Promise me you'll always remember. Your braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin to Pooh

(Such a lovely quote, and I believe worth remembering...)

XO Keke

Trying to Remember the "Yum" factor ulimately brings "Joy"

Dreamy, yummy, classic beautiful. I've posted about PK before from Room Remix, http://roomremixblog.blogspot.com/ , I love her! I love her vision, her flair, and mostly everything. You have to admit the chair covers above are just fantastic.... I love the one in the center the most, classic and you can really never go wrong with something monogrammed...

And do you see this table...this is my dining room table, the legs the oval, the only difference is that mine is brown, a lovely wood grain. I'm not a big fan of stained furniture, but when we originally bought it AH refinished it, hours of hard labor, it was originally a yellowed vanilla color, almost like french country style, it had seen better days. AH did a beautiful job, it's one of his talents. I don't have the heart to tell him I'm tired of it and really I want to cut it in half and crackle and paint it an off white color... not right now, when we move back to our beloved Sonoma and into our own home. Tell me now though, don't you love the concept? As always, PK can be counted on for sure inspiration! "JOY"

I have to run, TGIF.... No really "thank you God for seeing me through another week!" I'm running for only ten more hours... ten more hours to freedom and two days off! You know I love you all! XO Keke

Ahhh, the passion, the willingness to climb to the heavens for your sweet heart. Yes I know Valentines day is passed, but as I said before, we really should be love'n every one every day. I pray your day is filled with hope, love and bounding joy! XO Keke

This picture calls to me. Just look at her adorned in her finery, yet the haunting look on her face would indicate less than a happy life. It is evident that she must have been above working class. Given the harsh quality of life experienced of the working class, was her distant gaze that of a queen worried for her subjects, or was it that she had no joy in her life? Many of the old photographs that you see are of subjects with stone faces. Baby girl says they frighten her. For me, they bring a curiosity.

I missed my posting for "Something Good Monday." I was in bed and slept most of the weekend. Last week was challenging and exhausting so I'll forgive myself for the miss...hence this is "Too late Tuesday." I return to work today after having yesterday off for Presidents Day. Not looking forward to it. Friday left me depleted and frustrated. I think I left off with telling you that I was meeting with an independent investigator. That is six and a half hours of my life that I will not get back and a waste of time. The not so independent investigator, after all, how independent could she have been, she's collecting her paycheck from the company.... started out by explaining that she is just there to collect the facts...she collected very little...every time I would start to speak she would cut me off and say, "let's not start that tangent".

According to the Merriam Webster...
Tangent: diverging from an original purpose or course : irrelevant

I was so frustrated, she kept looking at her watch as if she had some place to be...I said several times, "if you have some place you need to be we can end this." Then there was the point she claimed to need to check her blackberry, I stepped out side for some fresh air, when I came back she was on a phone call, she continued talking for at least five minutes... At one point she disappeared into the HR office, I sat there for a few minutes, got up and went to the rest room and came back. The HR woman had told me she didn't want to know anything, that she was just a facilitator, yet the independent investigator seemed to bring up things during our conversation that she shouldn't have known, if she were indeed just a fact finder and completely bias.... I will be emailing her and asking her these questions that have rambled in my mind all weekend. I will also tell her that what she called a 'tangent' was NOT irrelevant and had she stopped interrupting me with what must be a favorite tag line she would have discovered that.... more later, I woke up late and must do a madhatter dash...the neck just doesn't want to release this morning so I have to push through anyway.

Before I go I wanted to share a cool site with you.... free images... so generous, and awesome!

Check out Heidi's site here: http://shabbychicpapirskatter.blogspot.com

Today I'm choosing to hang on to this verse...

Psalm 119:23 Though rulers sit together and slander me, your servant will meditate on your decrees.

Have a blessed and joyous day.
XO Keke

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.(Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

The above pic is of baby Arabella at the wedding, oh how I love her. Keeping a watchful eye behind her is her mama holding her baby sister Ava Lea. The abandonment of children is something that we should try to remember and seek for ourselves. Her mama, 'Luchi' is very much child like herself, she holds so much innocence and although I think a lot of it is due to the culture in which she come from, her sencerity and innocence is still to be admired and I want to find my way to that. If you could speak with her for only a minute you would see exactly what I mean. Speaking with Luchi is an unexpected delight, a new joy found, it's almost restful for a lack of a better way to describe her, it is clear in spending time with her that there is no alterior motive, nothing she is seeking except being in the moment with you at that precise time. So refreshing. Even here, she is watching as Arabella is building sandcastles waiting for the wedding to start. Most mothers might yell at their child to get up, they might get dirty and all the other things we hear mothers say, but not Luchi, she is allowing Arabella to be in the moment, to be present exactly where she's at. I can't wait to see the person Arabella grows to be, to have a mother that offers such permission.

I am writing of children this morning because they are amazing and they have so much to teach us. I also have thoughts of babies in my head because they make me so happy, and I need to deflect. Things feel really, really hard right now. The independent investigator meeting tomorrow is weighing heavily on me. The facts and details swirling through my head, as well as the conversation with the Turkish neurologist yesterday. I did not find my miracle, I did not find even hope. She told me pointedly what no one else has been forthright to say. "You do not have Parkinson's, you do not have an autoimmune disorder, you only have Dystonia, there is no cure, only treatment. As long as your a working person you will have chronic pain, if you remain in a stressful work environment it will remain aggravated and you will continue to suffer greatly." She spoke very clearly very exact as those from another culture often do. She walked out of the room, I looked at baby girl and started to cry, I said to her, "So this is it, this is my life sentence." I tried to pull myself together, we walked to the car where AH was waiting, (he's decided he really can't take another doctors office, but he does want to be there to support me, so he sat in the car), I was trying to not cry, I tried to put this into perspective, I tried to remember Jules son Alex, it could be worse for me, I shouldn't be a cry baby... but all I kept thinking is this is a life sentence.

This morning I return to work, soulless has now been told I have made charges against her. I'm going to take a deep breath and face this strongly, I am going to pray all the way to work that God continues to cover me with feathers. I'm also going to grab a button to put in my pocket to remember 'Joy'. My friend Suzanne from 'Dystonia's Secret' posted a couple of days ago about the joy that making a button picture with her kindergartner had brought her, I smiled as I read her post, I knew exactly what she meant and wished that I had a room full of babies to play and glue buttons and to color with giant crayons. My button will remind me to find joy, not worrying about tomorrow, or even the next minute, that with abandonment I will not borrow trouble, I will hang on to my button and remember the joy and wisdom of the children.

XO Keke

"Just Between Me andYou"

http://grandmayellowhair.blogspot.com/

How lovely is the above art? Yesterday's post brought me a new friend, sometimes I just feel like a lucky duck. Maggie stopped by for a visit and left the nicest comment...so I jumped on over to see who "grandma yellow hair" was...um...I don't know about you but my grandma never looked like her, I'm not even a grandma yet and I don't look like her! LOL! Wait till you see her pic! Maggie, I'm sorry, you must get this a lot, but your blog address is deceiving and the shock of your breath taking beauty... whew! Another human being to demonstrate the beauty from inside out! Maggie I can tell is going to be my friend, she is a human after my own heart, the first post I saw was about sending a valentine to our troops through this great site called "lets say thanks" So of course I sent one, it was really quick to do and made me feel good to start my day by saying thanks. The artwork on the post cards are by school children and so sweet...

http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html

I'm off work today, I go to see the new "Turkish" neurologist. I threw the "Turkish" in there because that is how my primary described her after he told me a miracle story...thank goodness this one isn't a three hour drive, keep your eyes, fingers and toes crossed that she wants to give me a miracle today, well I know that's silly to say, miracles come from God, but I still wanted to say it! You know how people say that Europe and other countries are farther advanced in their medicine? I know, I know she lives here now, but one can hope that she brought a little of that forward thinking with her.... Why am I writing like I'm having a conversation with you this morning? (well technically I am sort of....) but...last night I was up very late preparing my case, sorting documents making notes and Craig Ferguson came on the T.V. He talks to the camera like that, like he's right in the room with you having a conversation, he has his own late night show here and is one of AH's favorite comedians, I never am able to see him because I usually get home from work somewhere between seven and eight and depending on how many rounds soulless has taken out of me that day, I may be up an hour, or two or I may just go straight to bed. Followed by the up and down and toss and turn routine that my nights usually hold depending on how much my head is bobbing! Ugh! I did it again, I digressed! This was supposed to be a short post, I only have so many hours in this day and it's not enough! That being said, remember on Monday when I said it was time and sent my letter to the two top officers in my company? Well they took it seriously, they've hired outside council to conduct an investigation. I meet with the third party on Friday. Soulless and her Sister and her Manager find out today that I have made a complaint and they are being investigated. "Please God, let the truth be revealed so that I and everyone else forever more will not be subjected to their cruelty." Amen. Returning to work tomorrow should be interesting. The woman facilitating this assured me that she would do the run down with soulless and tell her she is not allowed to harass me or speak to me about this matter. Hmmm, I told her that the harassment is already there so it is what it is, and by the way she seemed like a very nice and sincere person, I was very guarded and she did not push. In fact she said she didn't want to know anything that she is just a facilitator for our company to make sure that all the rules are met and the independent investigator 's interviews are conducted. I must say I have no faith in this process, but I do have faith in God, and he so far has given me peace that passes understanding so I have to just keep hanging on to that. As always, thanks for listening... I hope you find the "Joy" factor today!

XO Keke

A MOTHERS LOVE IS FIERCE, A FRIENDS LOVE SHARED HEALS, I AM HUMBLY BLESSED

I rec. an email from my lovely Jules, she is an extraordinary woman really...as we live our lives in our little bubble worlds we never realize the cross that some bear. The reason I believe is the amazing grace, strength and dignity that the blessed ones like Jules hold. Such awe and respect I have for them. Jules, of the lovely blog "Whimsical Notions", (her link is on the side and below as a recipient of my "Happy 101" award. She shared with me that her child has Asperger's syndrome a form of Autism. While I am familiar with Autism, I am not that educated on the topic. I immediately started my search...

Asperger's syndrome
A form of autism where the child has fewer developmental delays. Often, people with Asperger's syndrome can communicate with great skill. Their repetitious behaviors may be more subtle. When they are younger, because they are so able, they are usually seen as simply "bratty" rather than having a diagnosable disorder. Because of this, people with Asperger's syndrome are often not diagnosed until they are between 4 and 8 years old.

My heart weeps for her. As much as I am angry about my Dystonia, I would rather have it a hundred times than to have my child sick. I know the brief description above probably doesn't even begin to touch the surface of the disorder...

Jules, I held you close before, but now your my hero... I can't even begin to imagine the strength and love that you embody. You are truly amazing, I will never be able to complain again with out thinking of you and then putting my complaint into perspective.

You all would have to know what a loving, giving, positive person that she is, and if you stop in to visit her, your screen will glow from the brightness, love and beauty that her site holds... And no, you would not know the challenges she faces every day... Could we start a prayer chain to circle the world? We could, would you all help me. Could we have a list, and pick a day and pass from one blog to another. Could we pray that this child would be healed, that all the children will be healed? I think I really want to do this, I'm going to give it more thought, but how mighty and awesome, the power of where two or more are gathered... As much as I want joy and goodness to one Monday circle the globe, I want this more....


I know I say this a lot, but it still doesn't seem often enough... I first started this blog as a sort of therapy for myself. I did not expect anyone to read it, I have always kept journals, and a blog seemed a way for me to not be so "old school"... I am old school, I pretty much think it's what gets me into so much trouble, it seems like sometimes, esp. in my hurting moments that if I evolved, adapt to some of the attitudes of the younger generation I wouldn't keep ending up in these hurtful situations... the younger generation seems to have no issue keeping for themselves, setting boundaries or saying no.... and if they can't keep a commitment, they just don't keep it. Like if they say, "Mom, will you take me to my friends for a few hours and then I'll call you when I need you to come get me so I can watch the 'Superbowl' with dad..." (which is what happened to poor disappointed AH on Sunday) and they decide it's more fun at their friends...they just don't come back. My man cub asked me to be his DD on Sunday, which was smart, and easier on me than worrying about him...he rode into town with his wife, spent about an hour at our house and asked if I could run him over to another party that he wanted to at least make an appearance at. It's only about ten minutes from our house so I was happy to do this...he didn't call, he didn't come back, he just had his wife pick him up at that house. AH shared his disappointment with me last night... while there was nothing good about them, he is pretty cute when he shares his sensitive feelings with me...you would have to see him...he said, "It really hurt my feelings that he said he was coming back and didn't..." I said, "I know, I'm sorry". AH; "My feelings wouldn't be quite so hurt if his friend wasn't such a low life", I said, "I know"... AH is right, this particular friend and I use that word loosely is a drunkard with the filthiest mouth...I think I told you about him before, (he's the one that man cub warned had better keep his manners at the wedding or his mom would slap his face...) I wondered at that time why he would keep such a friend if he had to issue that warning... I also wondered how bad he must be...I don't make a habit of slapping peoples faces, but man cub is right, while I have an issue in setting boundaries there are certain things that I would never tolerate... Look at me, I've digressed...the point was that most of the younger generation just don't feel tortured by things the way us old-timers do. But, to go back to where I started with this... I didn't expect to have so much love come to me, that people would not only read my blog but offer the love and support that you all do is a miracle to me... my writing has always just been a way of working things out in my head, and my life really is not that interesting and pretty much insignificant... but you bless me, every day, and I feel truly humbled and undeserving for the love that you give. It's not enough, but thank you, simply thank you...

Mad Hatter time....
My prayer today is for healing for all children, please God grant me this one thing...
XO Keke

P.S. I almost forgot to tell you that AH asked me to marry him again on Sunday. I told him I would have to think about it. This morning after visiting Jules page I've decided I have some conditions... I have to have the items on her current posting and the quote, the beautiful quote...
http://shabby-jules.blogspot.com/. And, one last thing, as much as I always wanted a spring/summer wedding...it may have to be on the same day, I already have a hard time remembering Dec. 30th, I know I couldn't possibly keep track of two! :)

Something Monday and The Joy Factor

Truth shall spring up from the earth, and righteousness shall look down from heaven.

Psalm 85:11

I was explaining to AH this evening about "Something Good Monday" and my hope that enough people will find their way and decide to participate. He got so excited about the possibility that we could one Monday just wake up and have the whole world circled in goodness...he made me really giggle...the joy factor.

And for my something good, drum roll please... Today the truth indeed did set me free. Thank you God for covering me in feathers. AH and I had decided it was time. With regret for the situation and reservation about the possible out come, I sent a letter to the two top officers in my company. Soulless greeted me with the normal hateful harassing response...it went something like this...she walked into my office, shut the door and thought she would take a round out of me. She only managed to get out three words and I stopped her. I then spoke the truth from underneath all of those feathers...it was amazing, the armor of God and the wings of his angels allowed me to speak the truth to her. I was washed in peace that passes understanding, my voice did not quiver, my words were strong. I spoke every word I wished I'd ever said to her. When she tried to interrupt with lies and malice, I stopped her. I told her to never speak to me that way again, I called her out on every lie and cruelty...and as with most bullies, she stuttered and decided she didn't have time to speak with me after all... And the truth shall set you free indeed. The battle has only begun, and I do not know what the out come will be, but speaking the truth today was the first step and I am no longer afraid. I will wear the breastplate of righteousness and have faith that my God will see me through. I wish for all of you something good, the discovery of an unknown Joy and most of all truth and love. XO Keke

We really couldn't get through without our friends...I am humbly grateful.

My friend Tracy from "Cotten Pickin Cute" has honored me with this blog award. I was chosen as one of the ten blogs that make her happy... as acceptance I now have to list ten things that make me happy and then pass the award on to ten more blogs. I've posted many times about her blog...it really is a blessing, if you haven't had a chance to stop over and say "Hi"...you really should, consider it a gift to yourself. Tracy post often about God's grace and every time I visit I see something that will be exactly what I needed to see at that precise moment.

Tonight it was this scripture... isn't a beautiful promise?










Ten things that make me happy (not necessarily in order) :


AH, Baby Girl and My Man Child
My Mitzi
All of YOU! ( I can not express how much your words of encouragement, whether left as a comment here, or posted in your wonderful blogs.)
A Childs Laughter
Sunshine and Rainbows
Jasmine growing out side my door
Knowing that God is real and he sends his Angels to watch over.
Being Creative
A full night of sleep
A Good Book
Music
Beautiful Art
A pain free day
Watching flowers grow



Ok, I think that is more than 10, which gives me one more thing to be happy for... (the fact that I have so much that brings me happiness...)



Now for the 10 blogs:

http://blitheremarks.blogspot.com/
http://dystoniassecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.creativecottagedreamer.blogspot.com/
http://cottonpickincute.blogspot.com/
http://shabby-jules.blogspot.com/
http://www.blondiensc.typepad.com/
http://everyday-is-a-holiday.blogspot.com/
http://www.thenester.com/
http://www.apronista.blogspot.com/
http://wardroadgarden.blogspot.com/


Whew, that was a lot, and not in any particular order just to say I love you all, and as always so humbly grateful for you.



The kids finally got the pics of the wedding from the photographer. Here are just a few that I will treasure... Baby Girl and My Man Child.

My man child and I...that's what I get for blinking and then he was gone.

My Mitzi trying to help him get ready, how did she have time for that? We both literally only had ten minutes to jump into our clothes after the cake and the cape... I must have still been upstairs fussing into my hose.

And with that I must bid you all good night...it is very late and tomorrow is a very big day for me at work. It is finally time for me to make my voice heard...I hate to ask, I ask so much, but please say a little prayer for me...

Sleep Sweet my dear friends... XO Keke

“We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true.” -Woodrow T. Wilson

The Game

So it is, a game, a game of waiting, a game of pawns. Waiting to see the next move exacted by soulless and her soulless sister. It's exhausting. AH says, "Don't worry, you'll win, just do what you know to do..." I look at him, the worry on his face is perhaps engraved deeper than mine. I tell him that there are no winners in this, not even with the employee that has made the charges against me for "treating her unfairly". She has spent the last several weeks walking around like a cat with a feather in her mouth. I want to say to her, "You don't know what you've done." I wonder if she thinks that my losing my position would mean that she had won? She doesn't understand how much I've shielded her and the rest of my team from soulless. Taking the brunt for them with soulless' constant and consist ant out burst. If I go, she will soon learn. The first time she has a mental melt down in front of soulless she will learn the kindness that I had always shown her. She will report directly to soulless, and soulless will learn too, they will both deserve what they get.... The stress on some of my other staff members faces wear on me too. They know what it means if I go...One of them asked me yesterday how it was going. I did not lie as I normally would muster up all the cheer I had and tell them to not worry, it will be fine, this too shall pass. This time I simply said, "not good". Her eyes started to tear, she said, " why are they being so dramatic, why can't they move on, I don't want to talk to her again." She was speaking of soulless sister, she has called everyone of my staff members in for questioning. I said, "I don't know, other than they get some kind of pay off for all of this drama, it's as if they delight in it." She said, "If you go..." I interrupted her with, " oh no, don't you worry, I'm not quitting, they will have to put me out kicking and screaming..." She laughed out loud and I saw a sign of relief wash over her teared up eyes, she said, "well good then, that's good." I walked away thinking about the worry and the wrinkles this is causing everyone. I feel bad. I feel like I'm some where between the letter that "Jerry McGuire" wrote and "Erin Brockovich" (sp chk on that). It's what I said in the beginning, we are all pawns. I wish my pawn would float away in a bubble, but since that's not likely to happen I'll go forward...

Waiting for their next move, praying the righteous prevail and hoping that the truth will find it's way to a discerning and righteous person that has the power to make this all stop. Mostly praying that it doesn't get any worse than it is, while knowing that it will most definitely get worse before it gets better. Truth is powerful, but only if it's brought to light...

And with that, it's madhatter time. I hope you have a joy filled day.

XO Keke

Something Good Monday and the Joy Factor

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

William Shakespeare born, 26 April 1564; died 23 April 1616.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages."

It is the season of love...Valentines day right around the corner. As I write this I think, shouldn't we think of love more often than the days leading up to February 14th?

When baby girl was little, maybe about 10, she discovered Shakespeare. She was enamored by his writing, and the quest for his books and writing ensued. I think she still likes Shakespeare, but it's been a while since I've heard her quote. None the less, it seemed like a good topic for "Something Good Monday", and the two quotes seem timely for my current circumstances. Dark days still loom, but I am trying to hold onto my own heart and the truth and struggle to find the joy factor no matter how small.

This week I could very well lose my livelihood. Along with my health insurance, and work that I've poured my heart and soul into for the last six years...I have made a choice to not trust the system, I have seen how it worked out for others, soulless and her HR "sister", as she always calls her, have dealt the devils hand so many times before as I bore witness. I remember feeling helpless, as if there were nothing I could do, I needed my job, I remember just thinking if I hung in there, I would find another position to transfer to out from underneath her evil grasp. It's funny, for lack of a better word, I probably need my job now more than ever, considering my medical position, and the fact that AH still hasn't found a job...but there is a resolve I feel, almost peace, as I said to the evil HR minion during the last interview for the alleged "investigation", I have no agenda, only that what I was about to say needed to be said. I had started January 1st with two words, "Joy" and "Reckoning" that's what I said 2010 would be.

Be careful what you ask for...

The wrong, terribly wrong things I walked away from so many times justifying it as not my business have caught up and turned to me. I have watched soulless and her sister treat all the issues that have arose in the last six years concerning employees as there own little personal drama game. A game of ego, and empowering themselves as "god-like." They hold peoples livelihoods in their hands and therefore their lives, and so far they have gotten away with this sadistic game of "mother may I", and only if you meet the criteria do you get to keep your place.

I know this is kind of heavy for my "Something Good Monday" item, but it is good. No matter what the outcome for me this week, the something good will be that I speak the truth. Maybe I'll be sent packing, but I will still speak the truth. Hopefully the truth will set me free...

Sleep Sweet...

Keke