Thursday, February 25, 2010

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”
Things feel a little out of control right now... Trying to forgive myself and others for our own humanity. Why is it that we build giant pedestals to put those we love on? Maybe 'we' don't. Maybe only I do and this is something I need to work on. Who asked me to do that? No one. Yet I still found it necessary to build these pedestals from the ground up...some are made of velvet and satin, some are striped, some are polka a dot with all textures and measures of foo foo embellishments. I am reminded again how creative my mind is as I transformed certain loved ones into sculptures of expectations. I adorned them in the finest cloaks and stood them atop these fantastical pedestals and spun them in sugar with my own dream. I admired their texture and the sweet taste I imagined. No one asked and some how I insisted. When balance was lost and the pedestal toppled over I am forced to face disillusionment of my own making. How then am I to be a worthy lover, a worthy friend? Is true love not made of unconditional measures?
This has been an exhausting week. Soulless continues in her cruel and evil discriminating tactics. Monday I spent 2 1/2 hrs on the phone in my car because there is no private sound proof room at the new location and the outside council had called with more questions. I've grown weary of this situation which in return directed our conversation in a way that I'm sure the outside council had not expected. She stuttered and stammered and abruptly changed her questioning when I called her out on certain questioning that I'm sure she had caressed over and over in her mind in an attempt to massage my words for an outcome that would not support or be beneficial to my claim. Make no mistake, she is not there to collect the facts on my behalf, she is there to access how large of risk I may be and to minimize damage and manage me... She gets her paycheck from the company and that is exactly where her loyalty lie. I think she got more than she expected which has been the theme through out this whole experience... everyone underestimating me... If it weren't so frustrating it would be ok, actually it still is as it works out to my advantage. She decided she would try to insist she did not say the word 'tangent' as many times as she did during the six and a half hours she wasted of my life that I will never get back on that fateful Friday. When I wouldn't allow her to convince me otherwise she changed course and decided that perhaps she did say that word over and over but that's not what she meant... I've been hearing that a lot lately, "Well, maybe I did but that's not what I meant..."
Too little to late, they've been given every chance to right the wrongs and to say what they mean, now they are facing a girl that has nothing to lose so they better fasten their seat belts. This was the second conversation I've had with her where she tried to dig into my Dystonia, every part of it, medical treatments, symptoms, etc...I stopped her, I told her that the intimate details of my Dystonia has nothing to do with the larger picture and none of her business. The only thing she needs to know is I developed Dystonia, if it wasn't caused by the toxic work environment soulless has created then it is certainly worsened by it, and secondly when I became broken and grew to substantial size, then I was no longer suitable for soulless and soulless had spent a year and a half demonstrating her cruelty and discrimination, as I was no longer 'pretty' enough to inhabit her world. That even I don't need a doctorate degree in employment law to know is illegal. And on the days that it's all too much, the pain, the frustration, I try to remember that soulless still to this day hasn't managed to rid me from her sight, and as hurtful and as much as I've suffered emotionally, mentally and physically from her actions, the fact that she has not won, she has not 'quit' me as much as she's tried is my little golden morsel to hold on to and in a strange way it gives me strength. It's like the pebble that David pulled back in his sling shot...
Madhatter time...Joy to you all... XO Keke


Suzanne said...

Hey Keke,

So sorry that this is going on for so long! We build pedestals, even if we shouldn''s who we put up there in the first place. And if you're not beautiful enough for soulless I really have to wonder...I can't imagine how odd she must be. It's so difficult to remove ourselves emotionally from these situations when our work becomes enemy territory. Our jobs and reputations as professionals at stake. Praying for you and that this seemingly impossible situation turns in your favor.

Big hug,

Patti said...

I wish things would get better for you. I can't even imagine what kind of person souless is- the whole situation sounds horrible. I hope you can find some relaxation and escape from it this weekend.

Jules of Whimsicalnotions blog said...

Hang in there keke hang in there,I finally posted your swap on my blog and also sent you a thankyou card yesterday.