The above pic is of baby Arabella at the wedding, oh how I love her. Keeping a watchful eye behind her is her mama holding her baby sister Ava Lea. The abandonment of children is something that we should try to remember and seek for ourselves. Her mama, 'Luchi' is very much child like herself, she holds so much innocence and although I think a lot of it is due to the culture in which she come from, her sencerity and innocence is still to be admired and I want to find my way to that. If you could speak with her for only a minute you would see exactly what I mean. Speaking with Luchi is an unexpected delight, a new joy found, it's almost restful for a lack of a better way to describe her, it is clear in spending time with her that there is no alterior motive, nothing she is seeking except being in the moment with you at that precise time. So refreshing. Even here, she is watching as Arabella is building sandcastles waiting for the wedding to start. Most mothers might yell at their child to get up, they might get dirty and all the other things we hear mothers say, but not Luchi, she is allowing Arabella to be in the moment, to be present exactly where she's at. I can't wait to see the person Arabella grows to be, to have a mother that offers such permission.
I am writing of children this morning because they are amazing and they have so much to teach us. I also have thoughts of babies in my head because they make me so happy, and I need to deflect. Things feel really, really hard right now. The independent investigator meeting tomorrow is weighing heavily on me. The facts and details swirling through my head, as well as the conversation with the Turkish neurologist yesterday. I did not find my miracle, I did not find even hope. She told me pointedly what no one else has been forthright to say. "You do not have Parkinson's, you do not have an autoimmune disorder, you only have Dystonia, there is no cure, only treatment. As long as your a working person you will have chronic pain, if you remain in a stressful work environment it will remain aggravated and you will continue to suffer greatly." She spoke very clearly very exact as those from another culture often do. She walked out of the room, I looked at baby girl and started to cry, I said to her, "So this is it, this is my life sentence." I tried to pull myself together, we walked to the car where AH was waiting, (he's decided he really can't take another doctors office, but he does want to be there to support me, so he sat in the car), I was trying to not cry, I tried to put this into perspective, I tried to remember Jules son Alex, it could be worse for me, I shouldn't be a cry baby... but all I kept thinking is this is a life sentence.
This morning I return to work, soulless has now been told I have made charges against her. I'm going to take a deep breath and face this strongly, I am going to pray all the way to work that God continues to cover me with feathers. I'm also going to grab a button to put in my pocket to remember 'Joy'. My friend Suzanne from 'Dystonia's Secret' posted a couple of days ago about the joy that making a button picture with her kindergartner had brought her, I smiled as I read her post, I knew exactly what she meant and wished that I had a room full of babies to play and glue buttons and to color with giant crayons. My button will remind me to find joy, not worrying about tomorrow, or even the next minute, that with abandonment I will not borrow trouble, I will hang on to my button and remember the joy and wisdom of the children.