Overwhelmed, still fighting and looking for my 'Joy Factor'

Confections Fabric Blog

Yummy by the Yard

http://roseyposeyconfections.blogspot.com/

I'm deflecting again, this time it's necessary...six hours ago I was so overwhelmed I couldn't remember my own address at the pharmacy, eight hours ago I was at the doctors, twelve hours ago I was at work and it was nearly unbearable, sixteen hours ago I was trying to get ready for work, I couldn't stop shaking, I thought a storm was coming, I kept trying to breath and tell myself I was tough enough to live through this...

Soulless has turned up the notch on cruelty and her games and comments and actions have increased ten fold...little bits of cruelty, comments made to my peers and staff members.

She is showing over the top attention to the two people on my staff who aren't cutting it...the two with behavior problems, the two that are waiting for a chance to crucify me and look for any little thing to try to charge me with harassment. The two that have problems focusing and getting their work right and getting their work done. She is disrupting them in there cubicles showing them special favor and being loud and goofing around with them in their cubicles. Every time they get it wrong they cost the company money, lots of money and I can't go into detail for the other ramifications of their poor work.

The one person is a woman slightly older than I. She has more seniority with the company than I. She has always worked in this department. She has eight years in this department and we'll call her "Miss nobody told me". Miss nobody told me is a chronic complainer. For 5 years I've had to listen to her complain and go into rants that make your head hurt. I have been trying to give her corrective action for two years. HR and my manager stopped me at every turn. Now as a result of her poor work soulless is getting calls from senior management...This is soulless' fault too...she was so busy trying to put me in my place, harassing me and picking out paint colors that she didn't have a game plan for our transition....

Now every things falling apart and my weakest and most troubled staff members can't keep up. Staff members that should have been terminated long ago.

Soulless is using me as the scape goat so to speak, as if she didn't already try to ruin my reputation with any one she ran across, now she's amped it up even more... She sent an email yesterday copying in her boss (the VP I made the complaint about) and HR (whom I also have a complaint against) and stated that I needed to 'retrain' Miss nobody told me. That I owe this to the company, and to our customers, this woman who has more experience and seniority in this department than I, who's consistently spent more time complaining, gossiping and playing card games online in her cubicle, soulless has been well aware of all these issues, now she is putting it out there that 'miss nobody told me' mistakes, confusion and issue is in some way my fault.

I can envision the three accused in there meetings trying to figure out how to handle me...actually that would be a miss-statement. They are trying to figure out how to fire me...I know this because I have been present to witness this behavior and they're tactics with other people...

it is sickening to watch.

Three larger than life ego's who believe they are the hand of God and get some kind of pay off by playing with peoples lives this way.

I've been present to see the drama and the spark in soulless' eyes as blood is dripping from her blood drenched fangs, her black pupils will swell to cover the entire expanse of her eyes, she gets very animated and then goes into a "woe is me" I can't believe all that I'm going through routine even though you can see the sickening self satisfied look on her face.

Look at this 'stuffies' pattern. It seems funny to me that after 30 creative years and my love of fiber and textile that I was never really aware of 'stuffies'. In fact it has been only recently, since Mitzi told be they were on their way to Borders Books to by the current issue of 'stuffies' that I became aware that 'stuffies' even had a magazine. Since then I have noticed online that 'stuffies' have this almost cult following... The blog link I list above and below will lead you to supreme yumminess. And I have to say that Cheryl, keeper of these links is one busy woman. Click on the above link, look in the sidebar of her blog and you will find about five other sites that she maintains and sells her wares on. Be prepared to fall in love...especially if you love fabric as much as I....

And oh my goodness, imagine my excitement when I found 'paper doll' fabric on this site...
http://www.confectionsfabric.com/

Imagine my disappointment when I read 'sold out' underneath this delightful picture of paper doll yumminess...I have sent her an email asking if she will ever have this back in stock...oh please, oh please, even a fat quarter would please me well....

And look at her children's clothes...reminds me of some of the outfits I use to sew for baby girl when she was that age. I would sew baby girl outfits and then sew her a baby doll with outfits that matched...smile, sigh... I still remember how her little baby face glowed and her little baby smell and the softness on her hands when she would grab both sides of my face and look intently into my eyes...

Who wouldn't want a bird nest pin cushion...how adorably yummy is this?

Fight or flight kicked in, my loved ones and some of you have cried to me 'walk away, walk away'...I can't, I just can't...I have been put through too much, I've already paid too high of price...and then there is the issue of my team, minus the two bad eggs, I feel them watching...I see the look of sadness, frustration and disbelief on their faces. I can't quit in the middle, I can't run and leave them behind... My former staff member that I helped promote up was expressing how sick all this was making her to me yesterday, she just kept saying why and when will this quit... I said, "when I do...as I've told you for a year soulless is trying to quit me." She got a strong resolved look on her face and said, "Well that is never going to happen". I love my team, well for the most part. They are good people, they work hard and all they ask in return is that it's recognized and a thank you every now in then...I can't quit and add to their disillusionment. And then there is my family who is expecting me to be tough enough even though they have all at some point told me to walk away, I know they are torn between wanting to save me and me showing them that I'm not a quitter. AH said last night with the worried look on his face that I was looking a little rough again, but he knew I am strong enough to see this through...as he followed me around the house last night, every where I went, as he was saying this I knew he really needed me to agree with him and tell him this would all work out and be ok.

Besides all of the reasons that compel me above, there is the most prevalent reason being finances. We are not in a position for me to walk away from this 'David and Goliath' fight. It cost a lot of money to live in Oz. Disability pays very little and workman's comp is even worse...and more than bread and butter there is the health care issue...I can not lose my health care, less I fall into the oblivion of not having insurance and the immense suffering that would follow. We are working class people, we live simply and we do not have a large bank account, actually these days with all my medical bills I'm lucky if I have anything in my bank account.

And then there is the issue of 'JUSTICE'. Is there anything true left in this world. How many times do we walk away from everything that's wrong because it seems easier. I am not made that way...It's not in me, I believe every time we walk away instead of speaking up we lose a little piece of our soul. We also contribute to the fiber of this world that we live in, by walking away would lose just a little more fabric of this world. This factor concerns me the most, if everyone walked away, insidiously we would wake up one morning and look around wondering how we got to this dark place. We already say it now, we talk about the 'good ole days' when girls dressed with modesty, men were gentlemen, people built communities where they took care of each other...we already ask where this went to...I can not be a contributor to this.

Update on last post. The HR woman made it very clear in the seven hours of what she called 'interviews' with me that there would be serious consequences if I were found guilty of releasing what she called 'company confidential' information. I believe she purposefully wrote this in her final statement that I admitted to doing this. I have our conversation on tape. I sent her an email two days ago asking, 'if you please, could you please tell me what I said that you have the foundation to make this statement?"

She has not returned my email. If she was so certain that she had this admission in her notes, she should have been able to return the answer in email immediately. She does not have that statement, therefor she I would imagine is scampering to figure out how to spin her 'legal statement'.

The lawyer I sent an email to is not my lawyer, she is the companies lawyer...I sent the latest happenings to her with the statement, "You asked me to give you examples of Soulless' behavior and miss treatment past tense, It's as if she can't help herself and the miss treatment continues daily and these are just a few of the things that has happened in the last two weeks."

She also hasn't responded...I am curious to find out...is she just really busy, on vacation, or has already concluded her investigation?

I will probably, need to retain a lawyer soon enough, I have to go through these motions to get there. I wanted to give this company a fair chance to address these issues, pending the outcome I will then decide if I need legal representation. I'm pretty sure I should have had representation at the last HR meeting when I met with soulless' demon hr friend. I taped it instead. We'll have to wait and see how the company answers back the charges I have made...

I will keep you posted...now it's mad hatter time...I hope you jump into the links above and they bring you at least some small joy...

XO Keke