Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Working Out and Call to Honor

I hadn't intended on missing this weeks 'Something Good Monday,'again this week. It just sort of happened...so I was thinking today could be 'Two for Tuesday.'More like 'Two Thousand for Tuesday," so many things rambling in this head of mine...I realized that I'm sleeping about 18 hours a day right now...hmmm...Mitzi did remind me not too long ago that sleep had always been my preferred method of coping...well, maybe only at certain times. There was the whole decade of the nineties that I didn't sleep a wink. I was too busy, making folk art, catering parties, teaching children...I miss those days, so much life buzzing like honeybee's. Then we could add in there 2004 through March 18, 2010. Not so much love just survival and I'm coming to realize years wasted that I will never get back. It may have started with a conversation between AH and I. Never having worked or existed in the mind numbing, dizzying world of corporate enterprise, AH had tried to warn me...I didn't listen, I only heard a challenge. The challenge was what I called, 'a six month bump', I would work as hard as I could and do what ever I needed to do to be promoted every six months as long as it wasn't illegal or immoral, to work my way to the top with my integrity in tact. AH said it wasn't possible, I argued for everything the American dream is made of...boot straps, calloused hands, hard work, ethics, integrity, grit, determination. I thought I'd found the perfect company to accomplish this challenge. It was working, every six months I had received a promotion for the first three years, until... The founder of this company lauded this philosophy at every employee assembly, the posters are hung in every building and office {business with integrity, social responsibility, respect for our people,our land etc.} ...his story is told as rags to riches, building the empire from the ground up, like a mythological creature, the largest family owned winery, started with hardship in the 70's when an eminent domain lawyer turned grape farmer couldn't sell his crop. I missed the in-between, {lawyer, eminent domain, etc.} I fell hook line and sinker for a man that had the voice of a gentleman, a kind and weathered face, the posters on the wall spoke to me in the tone of his voice, I bought the whole farm, only to find out there was no farm, lucky for me, I wasn't offered a bridge. Speaking of farm's, I digressed...Meet Mary Jane. Oh please promise to click on this link - [http://www.maryjanesfarm.org/] this is what my latest dreams are made of. 'You can take the girl of the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the girl,' Mitzi and I grew up on a farm, Mitzi has had many types of farms over the years, and currently is raising special little goats and selling their fur... fur? wool?, no couldn't be wool, maybe it's just called fiber? Mitzi would know the proper word...hmmm, she's in love with this, and so are the princess' from youngest to oldest...[http://www.fuzzyfiberfarm.com/home.html]
Can you see the love on Mitzi's face?
And look at my sweet little Em with the baby goat, oh she's so yummy I could bite her! Talk about all American, doesn't she look like a sweet all American girl with her pigtails and and sweet adorable smile? And she's so clever and smart, everyone should be as lucky as I.
They even take them in the hometown parades.... but again I've digressed...
Mary Jane is selling this little trailer on her farm girl site...since I'm experiencing fight or flight...LOL I thought it might not be a bad idea to have one of these on the back burner! Good thing it's not sitting beside my little red car right now, I'd already be gone...

It has a trunk, with a 12 gal water tank and a stove and a cooler and a sink!
Her site has a general store that sells a number of things that stir a far away longing in me...how much do you love this vegetable fabric?And aprons, I love,love this apron...I think I remember the women from my child hood wearing these dressing little aprons at family events, like weddings and holidays, etc...I think we all need to start wearing aprons again, to remember a bygone era, where people were kind and generous, and practiced manners. Women were sure of their own strength, it radiated quietly, you could see it, smell it, it was palpable by their own breath. They didn't need to pretend to be strong through use of profanity that would make a sailor blush, or tantrums and threats, then cry and excuse it as their softer side when true strength was required. Yes, I'm talking about soulless...
Funny to me, we live in a world of noise and constant streaming information, it's an assault of sort. Words and phrases play through my head...baby girl and I were having a conversation yesterday about people rushing or completely skipping the things, the rituals that once marked a significant event, and with that we've lost meaning to the words, the skills to cope, our heads spin and leave a empty hole that we can never seem to fill up. From the beginning of this sojourn many people have had something to say, from my loved ones, {all of you} it has been my strength and the light on days I couldn't find my way from the darkness...from others, unsolicited advice comes in the form of rushed, assault, meaningless waste. There are those that repeat words that they have no concept of the meaning, 'integrity, ethics, victimization, move forward, move past, anger, generous...' Surprise.... ! I will move as fast or slow as it takes to walk away from this thing without an empty hole that will take the rest of my life to never fill up. I am exhausted by such people with their PHD fast food life and no concept of this process in which I speak. I will practice the rituals, I will for once do what's right for me not caring how uncomfortable it may make those who have stamped this case 'rush' with their rubber stamp, this process will be on God's time and the time he has set for me. I have ran a marathon for the last almost six years not stopping to think what was waiting at the end...which means the six years of nothingness and assault and victimization must be given a voice by me...Why? So my sisters, daughters, mothers, aunts, friends may in some small way step up to the front of the line with me, and we will shout no more. We will stand with grace and strength and lend a voice to that quiet strength that has all but mostly passed with generations that came before and we will renew for our daughters and their daughters, that words like dignity, integrity, propriety, grace and strength have meaning. So that far away, long ago memory of gentle but fierce strength will be shown representation and live on through their voices and actions, not just their memories. Tie on your aprons ladies... it's time to remind the others like soulless and her sisters, [and my lawyer] the true meaning of being a strong woman, it's time they've been taught some manners! I think we should start an apron movement.
P.S... Said people can stop lecturing me on confidentiality, another word they don't know the meaning of...and I plan on shouting the truth from every roof top. It's a little late to ask me to play your game, PC is no longer in my vocabulary, only truth and justice.


Suzanne said...

It's great to "hear" you again. I agree that you need to take time. There is no snap of the finger's and you're over it. Time to focus on you and your needs. Reflecting and remembering that soulless has nothing on you. She is, after all, soulless :)

Tracy Suzanne said...

Oh Keke. How I wish I could write as eloquently as you. I just love reading you posts. I think Robin is exactly right you need to think about writing but I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard that. You are so strong girl and talk about grace it should be your middle name. Lots of people could take a lesson from you. I will always stand in solidarity with you Dear Friend!!

I wish I could save up enough money for a weekend cruise or retreat with you. We could both use some fun and pampering. Hee-hee!

xxoo's....Tracy :)