Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Lost Somewhere...What do I do now?

The Guest House

The human being is a guest house
Every morning there is a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor
Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house and empty it from its furniture still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Jelaluddin Balkhi Runi (1207- 1248)

I never used to think my identity was centered around my work. Yes there were the fights AH and I would have when I spent to much time working or took calls from soulless during the evening, weekends, vacation days...and then there was the long weekend I took to fly to Mitzi for one of her princess' weddings and I spent the whole weekend other than the wedding in her motor home in the yard hooked up to work... then I told myself I had to, soulless really did require all of this, I would argue that I needed my job, and this is what she clearly communicated was expected. It wasn't until I got sick and she had passed on me for a new version of me that I realized that this was all just wasted time. How did I lose my balance? Why didn't I just say no...round and round we go...because I needed my job. I need my job more than ever now, or I should say I need my paycheck and the health insurance...But the struggle and the cruelty became too great, I could feel me slipping back into the same state I was in the Winter of '09. AH has a theory that once this is over that I won't need health insurance, at least not for the Dystonia...he believes I'll go into remission...I'm hoping and praying he's right, but now what? I was online this morning looking for employment, I thought of sending my resume in for a position in the same industry... Fear...will it bring more of the same?

I'm almost 45. I feel too old to ask myself what I want to be when I grow up...and then again I argue that point with myself. AH told me yesterday that I need to breathe and relax. This thing isn't even over yet.

I have never been a person that could let grass grow under my feet. It's all really too much...I hear the awful news stories of people who have not found employment for two years... baby girl and AH are still job seekers. They both put in more applications yesterday... I like to pretend in my mind that maybe it's possible for me to start and make a living on my own business. Maybe there really is a market for Art here...but it's too scary. Owning your own business is always feast or famine, unless your one of the lucky few who survive the first five years. I long for stability at this age...but after this last two years I also long for freedom from the demons of the corporate world. So the question is now, 'What am I going to do?' I know there are others that brave this situation with courage and have come out on top...Lord I pray let this be me... I try to tell my self that all of this is in God's hands now...and I do believe it, so why all of this fear and doubt and emotion?

As always, thank you for your kind words, I really don't know what I would do with out all of you and your voices of reason and sanity...



Suzanne said...

Okay, listen to AH. I understand where you're at, cycling thoughts, searchig for work, etc. Try to let it go and find yourself. I haven't felt this good in every aspect of my life ever. Dystonia is a label...put it away. Jobs can be found. Find you first and take extra deep breaths, lazy moments to focus on nothing other than the breath and remember that you are alive. Things change and it's not the end of the world and it doesn't define you. Do something fun...give yourself an art project and just do it for joy. And I'll be praying and sending positive thoughts across the country.


Patti said...

I agree with DH and Sue as well! Use this time and space as a gift to yourself and reclaim YOU. Jobs will be out there and things have a funny way of righting themselves when you feel the world has turned upside down. Relax during this time and focus on you. Find the things that make you happy and be open to new possibilities, but relax!!! This isn't over yet, and you don't know the final outcome- you may end up being surprised. And your age, I feel is NOT too old to try something different- even if it is for part time to dabble in something new. Embrace this time!!! I know that sounds goofy, but ... PLAY!!! Big hugs and happy thoughts sent YOUR way~~~

Tracy Suzanne said...

Hey Honey. I was just checking in on you. I want you to know that a day doesn't go by that I don't think of you and all your under right now. I wish I could hug you but I am hugging you in my heart. I pray that you feel the Lords strength as you battle the pain or hurt you feel. I pray that his sweet angels are surrounding you every moment of the day.

All my love...Tracy :)

Patty said...

I'm sure everything will work out for the best, don't worry too hard.

Tracy Suzanne said...

Hey Sweetheart. I'm just hear to let you know you're in my heart and prayers. I hope your okay. If you need to talk just let me know.

Hugs...Tracy :)

Jules of Whimsicalnotions blog said...

Thinking of you my friend.Happy Easter.Going through hell myself right now and trying to make sense of it all.Life is never what we expect is it,

Patti said...

I wanted to stop by and wish you and your family a Happy Easter~ Thinking of you!

Tracy Suzanne said...

Hey Darlin'. I just left you a comment and somehow deleted it before posting. Sounds just like me doesn't it.

I just wanted to wish you a Happy Easter. I hope you and your family have a bright & cheery Easter. I'm still praying with and for you Dear friend.

All My Love, Tracy :)

Tracy Suzanne said...

Love you Keke!!!! I pray the angels are keeping you.

Tracy :)