Lost Somewhere...What do I do now?

The Guest House

The human being is a guest house

Every morning there is a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness

Some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house and empty it from its furniture still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Jelaluddin Balkhi Runi (1207- 1248)

I never used to think my identity was centered around my work. Yes there were the fights AH and I would have when I spent to much time working or took calls from soulless during the evening, weekends, vacation days...and then there was the long weekend I took to fly to Mitzi for one of her princess' weddings and I spent the whole weekend other than the wedding in her motor home in the yard hooked up to work... then I told myself I had to, soulless really did require all of this, I would argue that I needed my job, and this is what she clearly communicated was expected. It wasn't until I got sick and she had passed on me for a new version of me that I realized that this was all just wasted time. How did I lose my balance? Why didn't I just say no...round and round we go...because I needed my job. I need my job more than ever now, or I should say I need my paycheck and the health insurance...But the struggle and the cruelty became too great, I could feel me slipping back into the same state I was in the Winter of '09. AH has a theory that once this is over that I won't need health insurance, at least not for the Dystonia...he believes I'll go into remission...I'm hoping and praying he's right, but now what? I was online this morning looking for employment, I thought of sending my resume in for a position in the same industry... Fear...will it bring more of the same?

I'm almost 45. I feel too old to ask myself what I want to be when I grow up...and then again I argue that point with myself. AH told me yesterday that I need to breathe and relax. This thing isn't even over yet.

I have never been a person that could let grass grow under my feet. It's all really too much...I hear the awful news stories of people who have not found employment for two years... baby girl and AH are still job seekers. They both put in more applications yesterday... I like to pretend in my mind that maybe it's possible for me to start and make a living on my own business. Maybe there really is a market for Art here...but it's too scary. Owning your own business is always feast or famine, unless your one of the lucky few who survive the first five years. I long for stability at this age...but after this last two years I also long for freedom from the demons of the corporate world. So the question is now, 'What am I going to do?' I know there are others that brave this situation with courage and have come out on top...Lord I pray let this be me... I try to tell my self that all of this is in God's hands now...and I do believe it, so why all of this fear and doubt and emotion?

As always, thank you for your kind words, I really don't know what I would do with out all of you and your voices of reason and sanity...

XOXO Keke