Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I've spent most of my life as a hopeless optimist. Wallowing in the smallest ray of sunshine, believing and arguing for the point that people are inherently good. Handing out change to the homeless, going over the top to help those who ask and those who never asked...actually going over the top and beyond for everything. The word "No" has just never been in my vocabulary. I believed in blessings, karma, pay it forward, reach back and pull up and good always conquers evil. I believed that happiness was a choice and we all have that choice no matter what circumstances we are in, make the best of what you have, and where your at.... "Remain calm and carry on..." Now I'm in a position where I'm questioning everything.

“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” -Winston Churchill

Over the years I've had many staff members, my approach to management is always the golden rule. Basically I think of all of the really horrible managers I've known and try to do exactly the opposite of what they would do and then some. And then there is the fact that most of us spend more time at work than we spend with our own families...so it's very difficult to not make some kind of connection and even more difficult to not care...at least for me. I see some that seem to be able to make that separation splendidly, and I always would wonder how they could have no heart, no emotion, narcissism at it's best. Then there is the problem of my belief that even when people are upset, if you listen to them, most of the time that's all they need. My door has always been open to my staff, a safe zone where they could come in judgement free and vent anything that's on their mind personally or professionally. I've even allowed my staff to use my office if they needed a time out from the fish bowl of cubicle world.... if they come in upset and don't want to talk, I would just leave and shut my door, let them escape and pull it together...

I told one of my staff members the other day that I'm well aware that I'm not a perfect person or manager, but that people could do worse... this is true...but now I'm questioning why any of it?? Soulless seems to exist in a world that is all about her...and the opportunities seem to just lay in front of her... I've spent the five years before I got sick working 20/7 literally for what? I am now under investigation, (I choke to even say it), by HR, because a very troubled staff member has accused me of mistreatment. Fight or flight definitely has come into play here. What did I allegedly do to this staff member? I'm still trying to figure it out...and if evil does exist in this world, which we know it does just through the actions of soulless, it definitely is embodied within this person. This person has written a three page or more statement to HR about things I allegedly said...none of the things has anything to do with this person. I've denied almost all of it, with exception to the statement about the work place and or stress of it, if not causing then definitely aggravating my dystonia. Which is a very controversial statement to make, but then dystonia is very controversial and different for everyone, hence the controversy. Six months after I hired this person they felt the need to tell me that they were a recovering addict...that they have spent more years of their life addicted to Narcotics than they have been clean and sober, (*note to self...run, run fast...) among many other things, horrible things that I did not need to or want to know...obviously a very troubled person...the terrible stories would always be offered to me by way of tears and a total mental melt down and always as an excuse for a mistake made by this persons distraction by all of the horrible things in their life, of which I would educate this person on our company's mental health contacts and plead at the very least for them to seek private help. This week end after the waste of time meeting with clueless HR, and when I say HR, I mean one person, who also pointedly told me without apology that they are friends with soulless but claims that they are capable of being non-biased and wanted to assure my confidentiality, which is another lie, historically proven, I started thinking about the hatred that this staff member must have for me... and why? If I am guilty of anything it would be showing them preferential treatment every time the mistakes kept piling up and I could only feel empathy because of another horrible story would be told to me...how is it this person would hate me to the point of wanting to destroy my livelihood and possibly my life when you consider my need for a paycheck and health care... someone said the word to me yesterday. "EVIL" and I can't stop thinking of that word because there is no other explanation. Which does bring about the question of people being inherently good. How could I be my age and just now figuring this out. Maybe the cliche, "No good deed goes unpunished" is not so much a cliche. Maybe people are not inherently good, maybe evil exist more prevalently than I wanted to believe, in my naivety I needed to believe that good existed when it does not. As I run down the list of all the ways and things I did to help this person I have to ask myself why? Not only was there no benefit to me, it actually threatens my existence now. Hmmm...hard things and dark days to ponder...the exhausten from all of this leaves me not wanting to care ever again...

8 comments:

Tracy Suzanne said...

Oh my dear poor Keke. Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that you have this darkness all around you. Why does it seem some people are so intent on destroying anything happy and good. I know this is the last thing you need piled on top of you now. Are you still working full time or did you ever cut you hours back?

I hate to see you down and I would hate to see you ever lose that wonderful love of all things good that you have. You and your naivety are things I love about you. It's such a shame to have to build and put up that wall just to protect yourself and that's not even talking about your own feeling and emotions. You are such a sensitive, giving and loving person. I thank God for you and there has not been one day since I met you that you don't cross my mind. So even if I don't say it just know that down here in Florida you are thought of every single day. I know God is with you even at your lowest times. I pray that our Father lets the truth shine through and that all your troubles will be overcome. Blessing are headed you way Sweetheart!

Love hugs and kisses....Tracy :)

Suzanne said...

Hi Keke,

People like soulless are blamers. They'll never take responsibility for anything. AND it seems like the HR person might be an enabler from the sound of it. Gravitating towards the weak and needy ex-addict. I believe you will make it through this. Charles and I have both been through similar situations and sometimes you can't win. I used to be an executive admin. That's how we met. I'm hoping that you are able to escape this mentally a little bit. Blamers will go to any length to prove they've been wronged when what's really happening is they can't cope.

You're amazing and have such a good heart. The investigation should prove that. I'm praying for you and especially that you protect yourself from the accusations...don't let them live inside you.

Extra big hug,
Sue

The Feathered Nest said...

Oh Keke, I'm so sorry for this hateful behavior...sounds like this person has SERIOUS issues and that she has directed it all toward you! Please stand your ground and always remember how good and true you are ~ if the powers that be do not recognize that, then they are evil themselves! I wish the best for you dear heart and will keep you in my prayers that you will prevail!!!!! Goodness can overcome....hugs and love, Dawn

Patti said...

Oh Keke~ I am so sorry for all you are going through. I believe there is a reason for things like this happening and we may not know that reason for a long time. It does sound like this person has major problems amd you seem to be the target or scapegoat. Stand firm to what happened and what you beilive in and the truth will find its way out. I wish you peace and calmness and a positive resolution to all that is going on. Goodness does win!
Big hugs and happier days...
Patti

mitzi said...

Oh Sweetie, your sad alice is breaking my heart. How I long to be with you to chase away all the bad things and sit beside you whispering the truth in your ear. It's not just that there is evil in the world, it's that we have free wills to SIN. Read rom.8 especially verses 6,7,8 and 28-39. Oh how I love you...I'm here interceding and waiting for you to see the glory of God our Father revealed. Love Mitzi

Tracy Suzanne said...

Hey Darlin'. I just came back by to let you know I'm thinking of you and your in my prayers. You are so loved and Soulless can probably feel and see it. Envy is an ugly thing but it's her thing not yours. To use you are surround by light! You just try and rest your stress away and remember all those who love you. Picture that love and not her hate.

You know how much we both love a lot of the same artist. Listen to Carol King and know that You've Got A Friend.

Love you, Tracy :)

Jules of Whimsicalnotions blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jules of Whimsicalnotions blog said...

Stand strong Keke souless must be jealous of you.In some way she finds you a threat in some way. maybe because she is sorry she has told you the things she has.Where is the loyalty of HR.You have something they will never have and thats integrity and heart,Dont let them put you in darkness Keke your a light all on your own.
hugs]
Jules