cherry kingdom

I've spent most of my life as a hopeless optimist. Wallowing in the smallest ray of sunshine, believing and arguing for the point that people are inherently good. Handing out change to the homeless, going over the top to help those who ask and those who never asked...actually going over the top and beyond for everything. The word "No" has just never been in my vocabulary. I believed in blessings, karma, pay it forward, reach back and pull up and good always conquers evil. I believed that happiness was a choice and we all have that choice no matter what circumstances we are in, make the best of what you have, and where your at.... "Remain calm and carry on..." Now I'm in a position where I'm questioning everything.

“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” -Winston Churchill

Over the years I've had many staff members, my approach to management is always the golden rule. Basically I think of all of the really horrible managers I've known and try to do exactly the opposite of what they would do and then some. And then there is the fact that most of us spend more time at work than we spend with our own families...so it's very difficult to not make some kind of connection and even more difficult to not care...at least for me. I see some that seem to be able to make that separation splendidly, and I always would wonder how they could have no heart, no emotion, narcissism at it's best. Then there is the problem of my belief that even when people are upset, if you listen to them, most of the time that's all they need. My door has always been open to my staff, a safe zone where they could come in judgement free and vent anything that's on their mind personally or professionally. I've even allowed my staff to use my office if they needed a time out from the fish bowl of cubicle world.... if they come in upset and don't want to talk, I would just leave and shut my door, let them escape and pull it together...

I told one of my staff members the other day that I'm well aware that I'm not a perfect person or manager, but that people could do worse... this is true...but now I'm questioning why any of it?? Soulless seems to exist in a world that is all about her...and the opportunities seem to just lay in front of her... I've spent the five years before I got sick working 20/7 literally for what? I am now under investigation, (I choke to even say it), by HR, because a very troubled staff member has accused me of mistreatment. Fight or flight definitely has come into play here. What did I allegedly do to this staff member? I'm still trying to figure it out...and if evil does exist in this world, which we know it does just through the actions of soulless, it definitely is embodied within this person. This person has written a three page or more statement to HR about things I allegedly said...none of the things has anything to do with this person. I've denied almost all of it, with exception to the statement about the work place and or stress of it, if not causing then definitely aggravating my dystonia. Which is a very controversial statement to make, but then dystonia is very controversial and different for everyone, hence the controversy. Six months after I hired this person they felt the need to tell me that they were a recovering addict...that they have spent more years of their life addicted to Narcotics than they have been clean and sober, (*note to self...run, run fast...) among many other things, horrible things that I did not need to or want to know...obviously a very troubled person...the terrible stories would always be offered to me by way of tears and a total mental melt down and always as an excuse for a mistake made by this persons distraction by all of the horrible things in their life, of which I would educate this person on our company's mental health contacts and plead at the very least for them to seek private help. This week end after the waste of time meeting with clueless HR, and when I say HR, I mean one person, who also pointedly told me without apology that they are friends with soulless but claims that they are capable of being non-biased and wanted to assure my confidentiality, which is another lie, historically proven, I started thinking about the hatred that this staff member must have for me... and why? If I am guilty of anything it would be showing them preferential treatment every time the mistakes kept piling up and I could only feel empathy because of another horrible story would be told to me...how is it this person would hate me to the point of wanting to destroy my livelihood and possibly my life when you consider my need for a paycheck and health care... someone said the word to me yesterday. "EVIL" and I can't stop thinking of that word because there is no other explanation. Which does bring about the question of people being inherently good. How could I be my age and just now figuring this out. Maybe the cliche, "No good deed goes unpunished" is not so much a cliche. Maybe people are not inherently good, maybe evil exist more prevalently than I wanted to believe, in my naivety I needed to believe that good existed when it does not. As I run down the list of all the ways and things I did to help this person I have to ask myself why? Not only was there no benefit to me, it actually threatens my existence now. Hmmm...hard things and dark days to ponder...the exhausten from all of this leaves me not wanting to care ever again...