Lost Somewhere...What do I do now?

The Guest House

The human being is a guest house

Every morning there is a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness

Some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house and empty it from its furniture still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Jelaluddin Balkhi Runi (1207- 1248)

I never used to think my identity was centered around my work. Yes there were the fights AH and I would have when I spent to much time working or took calls from soulless during the evening, weekends, vacation days...and then there was the long weekend I took to fly to Mitzi for one of her princess' weddings and I spent the whole weekend other than the wedding in her motor home in the yard hooked up to work... then I told myself I had to, soulless really did require all of this, I would argue that I needed my job, and this is what she clearly communicated was expected. It wasn't until I got sick and she had passed on me for a new version of me that I realized that this was all just wasted time. How did I lose my balance? Why didn't I just say no...round and round we go...because I needed my job. I need my job more than ever now, or I should say I need my paycheck and the health insurance...But the struggle and the cruelty became too great, I could feel me slipping back into the same state I was in the Winter of '09. AH has a theory that once this is over that I won't need health insurance, at least not for the Dystonia...he believes I'll go into remission...I'm hoping and praying he's right, but now what? I was online this morning looking for employment, I thought of sending my resume in for a position in the same industry... Fear...will it bring more of the same?

I'm almost 45. I feel too old to ask myself what I want to be when I grow up...and then again I argue that point with myself. AH told me yesterday that I need to breathe and relax. This thing isn't even over yet.

I have never been a person that could let grass grow under my feet. It's all really too much...I hear the awful news stories of people who have not found employment for two years... baby girl and AH are still job seekers. They both put in more applications yesterday... I like to pretend in my mind that maybe it's possible for me to start and make a living on my own business. Maybe there really is a market for Art here...but it's too scary. Owning your own business is always feast or famine, unless your one of the lucky few who survive the first five years. I long for stability at this age...but after this last two years I also long for freedom from the demons of the corporate world. So the question is now, 'What am I going to do?' I know there are others that brave this situation with courage and have come out on top...Lord I pray let this be me... I try to tell my self that all of this is in God's hands now...and I do believe it, so why all of this fear and doubt and emotion?

As always, thank you for your kind words, I really don't know what I would do with out all of you and your voices of reason and sanity...

XOXO Keke

Something Good Monday and the 'Joy' Factor

Monday, Monday...So, here I am...I have to say it's a very strange feeling to know that I will not be rushing this morning to get my neck as straight as I possibly can to rush to madhatter time...I'm experiencing an overwhelming amount of emotions this morning...to know that soulless is addressing my staff this morning, a staff that I had poured my heart and soul into brings overwhelming sadness...and fear...and anger... What will she say to them? I can only imagine, and then she'll go into one of her dramatic acts, I can hear the words coming out of her mouth...I've been present too many times for one of these events...she will sigh, and look distraught and she will tell everyone how victimized she is from my actions, and undoubtedly that I just walked and left the company in a very critical position at a very critical time...and then she will say 'but we'll get through this' and what she really means is she'll make my staff work as much overtime as she can and she will will harass them every five minutes until they lose their mind because she doesn't give them a moment to breathe or get their work done, as she continues to live her life uninterrupted...I want them to know that I was fighting for them, for us, this wasn't just about me. It was about how we were all treated on a daily basis by soulless...they won't know any of this. This whole process was supposed to be held in confidence. I held up my end, soulless did not hold up hers, of course.... So all they will know is whatever soulless tells them and the fact that I'm not there and will not be returning. All being said, it also brings the emotions of relief and even 'joy' the possibilities of new beginnings. Change is scary, but it was more frightening to me to see where my health would be even a month from now. I truly was getting sicker with each day that passed. I have some cleaning up to do, wipe the cobwebs and visions of the corruption out of my head, and hopefully I will be able to sweep up the broken remnants and polish the tarnish of this experience from heart and soul.
The HR person had asked for me to call her this morning in the voicemail she left me on Friday...she wants to meet with me possibly tomorrow morning to figure out what 'we' need to do...she also would like to give me the opportunity to discuss with her anything I feel the 'independent advisor' may have over looked... Ummmm.... 'NO' I have repeatedly given documents and proof...I'm done speaking and providing. In the last 31/2 months I have spent approximately 20 hrs. of my life that I will never get back in their 'interviews' and so much more in research and providing documents of corruption...no more. Is the pen mightier than the sword? I hope so...As I told them on Friday, it was nice for their 'employer lawyer' to massage and caress this investigation to reflect a no harm done outcome, as they are both trying to tell me they really know nothing of her that she was hired because someone had recommended her...more lies and games, and as I've said, it's so offensive for them to patronize me in this way as if I wouldn't possibly have the intelligence to figure it out...

So what's something good today? I can still stand, I will stand and best of all I can breath again. I have all of you cheering me, I have a lot of work to do but with love and encouragement I know that I am luckier than most. Thank you as always falls short, you all will never know how much your love, prayers and encouragement mean to me...In fact, with the love of my family and all of you and the grace that God has given me I give credit that I stand. I hope that you find your joy factor today...
Be blessed and well.
XOXO Keke

Humpty Dumpty by Edgar Allan Poe

I hope you enjoy this dramatic reading, a little twisted but it made me smile. XO Keke

Can justice be found in the body of truth?

It's time to go the walrus said, to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings...

And so it is done. The meeting went as expected. The company denied all three of my complaints and any wrong doing by the parties involved. It was an expected out come. The corruption is staggering. Everyone keeps using the word 'fair'. My expectation wasn't fairness, it was justice. Obviously I can not go into detail as we move to the next phase of this process. What I will say is that they were provided undeniable, indisputable evidence and pointedly told me that the documents stood as is. I told them that I would not quit but that every day that I report to soulless I get sicker. A short time after I left the meeting I received a phone call. By this time I had gone to bed, it's amazing how just an hour of this nonsense knocks the wind out of my sails.... When I woke I received the voicemail, they have placed me on paid administrative leave. I guess we move to round two; the meeting has tarnished my belief that people will do the right thing if given a chance. They were given a chance; it's all wrong. At least now maybe I can get a little rest, I doubt it. I keep replaying over and over in my head the look on the presidents face as he's telling me the adverse memo's would stand, even though I provided the proof that the information was wrong. Amazingly brilliant corruption in a company that advertises respect and integrity in it's mission statement.
I'll end with this because I've seem to have lost my words. I hope you all have a spectacular spring weekend. XXOO Keke

Happpy St. Patricks Day!

I love Ireland and all things Irish, St Patrick's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays!

I can not celebrate St. Patrick's Day without thinking of W.B. Yeats..

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According to the Wikipedia:

William Butler Yeats; 13 June 1865 – 28 January 1939) was an Irish poet, dramatist, and one of the foremost figures of 20th century literature. A pillar of both the Irish and British literary establishments, in his later years Yeats served as an Irish Senator for two terms. He was a driving force behind the Irish Literary Revival, and along with Lady Gregory and Edward Martyn founded the Abbey Theatre, serving as its chief during its early years. In 1923, he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature for what the Nobel Committee described as "inspired poetry, which in a highly artistic form gives expression to the spirit of a whole nation." He was the first Irishman so honored.

One of my favorite writings by W.B. Yeats is titled 'Into the Twilight'.

Out-worn heart, in a time out-worn,

Come clear of the nets of wrong and right;

Laugh heart again in the gray twilight,

Sigh, heart, again in the dew of the morn.

Timely, I once had copied this poem in calligraphy and framed it for my wall.

How awesome are these St. Patty graphics? In case you didn't notice, in my sidebar under 'Resources' you'll find 'Free Images'.

http://vintageholidaycrafts.com/

I often turn to this source for vintage holiday images that I can glitter and glam.

Today is my last day of work, (thank goodness), before Friday's meeting.I am taking tomorrow off for car repairs early morning and a doctors appointment in the afternoon. Then Friday morning 10 a.m. will be the defining meeting to start the end of this hellish nightmare that has been my existence for far too long...

I am in a good place with this and am ready. It's what all this going through the motions has been leading up to.

I am taking both my friend Susanne's advice and Patti's love with me. The high profile lawyer finally called me back. I am not making a decision about that until after Friday's meeting. The ball is actually in their court, their response will determine my next choice.

But for now, it's madhatter time...oh and before I forget to tell you, I printed off and made those St. Patty's Day paper toys from 'The Toy Maker' for my staff's desk and left them for my staff to find this morning before I left work. They were so easy and fun...I hope you had a chance to view and possibly make some...

XOXO Keke

We could hardly live without the magic of a few good friends...

I am part of all that I have met;Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades forever and forever when I move.
~Tennyson's "Ulysses"

I took a few minutes last night before bed to try to visit a few friends. I stopped by my friend Jullie's site only to find wonderful magical things.

http://shabby-jules.blogspot.com/

Jullie always has things of wonder and beauty on her site but this one was exactly what I needed to escape... I have spent too much time in the kingdom lately mourning my work situation and complaining about soulless. It is time for some magic....

My friend Suzanne's team of docs are indeed very wise in their treatment of her. It is not good to dwell in dark places too long... and I'm following their advice for her. So let me introduce you to...

Marilyn Scott-Waters
http://www.thetoymaker.com/

Amazing giving woman and this is such a magical place. Paper toys to print and play, and even though my girlhood days are long gone, and I have no little feet to pitter patter around my house, I was delighted just the same. I have placed the link above and in my sidebar.

Thank you Jullie for your ever constant inspiration!

These are paper fishes that I will print and put together. Aren't they darling! I can just see them blowing on my patio just in time for summer.

She also is a children's book author and has wonderful stories and characters for you to print. So perfectly awesome. Most of you know how much I love to play with paper. I have been folding paper since the children where small... so wistful memories of folding paper cranes and laughing until our bellies hurt came to lift my spirits last night. I think the most wonderful thing about Marilyns sharing is that it is not just for children, and although I only have a couple of days left I am going to put a few of her things together for my beloved staff members. I have made paper things for them before, just a little something yummy and was delighted in how much they liked them. All of them still have the little paper creations on their desk. Marilyn also has holiday creations and the St. Patrick Day items are just in time. I do hope you find as much delight in this site as I, and stop by and give Jullie a shout, you'll get lost in her wonderland as well... Just what the Dr. ordered.

XO Keke

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~ Charles M. Schulz

Something Good Monday and The 'Joy" Factor.

New rare beautiful flowers. That is what you all are to me everyday. Each kindness, each kind word, thought or prayer extended is so rare and precious. All of you rare and beautiful women. We live in a time when there are such few women mentors and role models in our neighborhoods and true and loyal friends are just as hard to find. There was a time in history when it was rare to be anything else. There was a time if your neighbor were sick, sincere concern and care would be given. Women did not use language that would make sailors blush nor did they have more flesh showing than what was covered. Thoughtfulness and sincerity was the same as a breath. Effortless manners, sincere caring was the norm.

You all keep the light for me to remember. You have my undying gratitude. I believe no matter how old we get we need strong and kind women to look to. Mentors, role models such as you all are. Do not underestimate the power of the smallest kindness or gesture of favor. You are all the examples of what women should be, it is hope for our future. Those of you, my friends who have baby girls are raising more women to carry the light my friends who have baby boys are instructing them in what a woman should be, and hopefully our young men seek out such young women so the light continues. This is your legacy. It is unspeakable profoundness and rarity that I think is not seen or rarely recognized. Wouldn't it be awesome, at a time when every one has something to protest or 'movements' are by the dozen, to start our own? A movement of intention and light. We have powerful tools these days to be able to spread the word. If it only touched one or two lives it would be worth it, but we know it would go farther than that....These are the things I'm thinking of again. I told AH as strange as it sounds I'm actually starting to dream again, about my future, my vocation, my happiness. I can only describe it as waking from a dark haze, as if I'd been buried alive. I am digging and scratching my way through each layer of the earth. I am starting to see flashes of light and hope. My biggest fear has been losing my health care, as AH pointed out, what if I no longer need it when this is over? Going with the suspicion that I have had all along that my toxic workplace was what made me sick in the first place. We all underestimate the power and poison of stress, even though numerous scientist have documented the effects. How I lost my way in all of this I do not know... it was insidious, one evil random act that followed another, so small that I didn't realize what it was building. But that is what I was speaking of all along, we have become a nation where so much negative and nastiness is accepted The small acts that we encounter every day and then let go, the grocery store cashier that throws the produce that we just spent 10 min carefully picking out, the road rage driver honking and flipping you off because even though you were going the speed limit, it wasn't fast enough for them. The doctors receptionist who feels the need to spew her venom on you, (this one in particular I will never get, the medical profession used to be one of honor, of healing, of intention.) I'm thinking of the receptionist that I called out and she giggled and made the excuse that she is sometimes just that way. She stopped giggling when I suggested she find another profession. How many times do we encounter negative behavior in a days time and let it go. I say, don't let it go. As I always tell the children, you don't have to scream and name call to make your point. In fact the calling out is more powerful if you are calm and just state your facts. By the same token I always, always recognize those who I encounter and offer kindness and courtesy, which is bittersweet. The sweet part is the happiness you see wash over someones face when you recognize their effort, the sad part is the look of surprise, going back to above where I said it should be as a breath, the look of surprise tells me they aren't recognized enough.Today I am 'choosing' rebirth again. How many times are we as women reborn. It is the eternal optimist that soulless nor anyone else has the power to take from me. It is my birthright. It is the downy feathers that I claim and lay rest in. I am also claiming the meaning of my name. My name means 'warrior spirit'. As I believe that it is chosen by God, there is nothing insignificant. It is madhatter time for me again, I will go forth with the light and kindness that you have given, and rest in all the power of Heaven above. I will put on my armor and claim my birthright. Last week I couldn't imagine how I would get through this week.

This morning I am choosing to hang onto the fact that even the smallest creature is cared for as am I. Friday will come soon enough, and in all of the poison arrows, lies and evilness that tried to destroy me, soulless and her minions can not. I am claiming the thrown and will march on. I have made a decision about Friday's meeting, I will prepare for it. This too shall pass and I am actually filled with hope for the promise of new beginnings. I carry you all with me in my heart, thank you for sharing your strength and love. You are my something good, you are my 'Joy'!

XO Keke

I am looking for spring time. For sunshine, for birds singing, for hope. I think everyone could probably say this right now, but I mean it metaphorically as well. I knew this road I chose would be a battle, even in the worst of times I knew the worst was yet to come. And every day is a little worse than the day before. Soulless is reduced to walking around with black eyes again, her hatred of me is palpable. She is seething, she wears it like a self righteous cloak. The meanness is evil, you can see the black aura encircled in a radius around her every step, her body, her face, I'm waiting for her to lunge at me. Her aggression is there to see. Everything is all wrong. My department is crashing, the other department we support is loosing their mind with worry. They've done their job now it's up to us to finish the race. They have no faith that me and my department will. The phone calls come daily. Soulless created this environment and she is angry as most evil beings are when you dare to shed light on them. HR came to the conclusion and put it in the famous investigative memo that the staff member that launched a complaint against me was guilty of verbally attacking and harassing and being aggressive with me and others. It said the company has a no tolerance policy against this, yet she still returns to my department day after day. Soulless scampered to give her a written warning...irony, the woman whose anger toward me prompted her to make this complaint and walked around like a cat with a feather in her mouth for months found out just who soulless was...she was so certain that soulless would take care of her. Soulless gave her a one time written warning that said if she ever behaved in an aggressive manor again she would be fired. She left work crying, soulless and the VP called me in after to tell me what they had done, they were so proud of themselves...they pushed the memo across the table at me and began to ramble about how they don't think she even realizes that she is 'being' aggressive and they believe she can be coached through this. At some point they began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I didn't read the memo until the next day. The statements that soulless wrote in the written warning were wrong. She wrote falsehoods on this one time warning and I haven't decided what to do with this.

I also found out last week the lawyer that the company hired had broken my confidentiality. I also received an email from the 'facilitator' who told me she didn't want to know anything yet was in constant conversation with the 'confidential independent advisor' and who my alleged confidential information was given. Next Friday I am to meet with the 'facilitator' and the VP's manager, the President to hear the outcome of my complaints. It will go as all of this has gone thus far. It will be riddled with mostly lies, half truths and nothing will be done.

They will conclude my complaint against soulless, HR and the VP and make way so that HR and soulless can fire me. They wouldn't dare to do this while they are under investigation. They also will not find in my favor. It would require them to admit a wrong has been done by senior management representing the company.

I called one of the three lawyers that I had found yesterday, I really just wanted information, I have never had to retain legal council before. The person I spoke with gave me what she called an assessment interview. She asked me questions like, my age, the size of the company, is there anyone willing to testify on my behalf. It's all about money...this particular attorney takes on high profile cases. It was unexpected. She said she would call or send an email to tell me if the attorney wants to take my case. I said wait, I called for information, she said, "what do you want to know?" I said, "how this all works". She said you give the attorney a $1500 retainer fee, then she takes 40 % of what ever she wins for you. She hung up. I started laughing. All of this is so ridiculous. She is going to call and say if she wants to represent me. I didn't say I wanted her to, I only wanted information. Ego in this large lost land I'm in seems vast and far. I have to call the other two lawyers, and then probably more..I need help, I need advice, this is bigger than I am and I can't find my way out. Should I call Washington? At this point I want to shout the injustice of all of this to the world! What do I do now? I can not return and continue to take the punches from soulless. I get sicker by the day, I'm back to when I was at my worst and all I did was sleep, go to work, sleep, go to work....there is no quality to my life. Which is why this post is going to say that I wrote this March 10th when I only put the pics on here that day, today is actually Saturday, March 13th. I can't find the time for any of my personal items be it personal business or just things that bring me joy. Speaking of joy, I am having coffee with my sweet friend this morning. She is always a voice of reason and stability and a cheerleader for me. Exactly what I need after last week.
XOXO Keke
P.S. If any of you have advice on the legal system attorneys or how I go about the next round of battle please send...I really don't know what I'm doing at this point....

Something Good Monday and the "JOY" Factor

http://www.maryengelbreit.com/blogs

It's been a long day...so short and sweet it is.

I have spoken before how much I love, simply adore ME.

Imagine my shock to jump on her site only to find out my favorite magazine has been temporarily suspended due to lack of advertisers, due to the economy. Insert small tear streaming down the center of my cheek. ME is still however worthy of a 'Joy' factor post, and besides Mary states that hopefully this is just a small vacation until other game plans can be implemented to gain new advertisers. Which is 'something good', one because I believe her and I do believe she will resurrect the 'Home Companion', and two, it demonstrates the hope and strength of women and how we can turn even the bleakest situations around. I hope the link above leads you to your "Joy" factor...even if it's the smallest smile! Isn't the above print the best? I love animal balloons. Did I ever tell you about the balloon artist I met in my beloved Sonoma and that I had her tie up a dozen pink poodle balloons and put them on a stick? I then wrapped the pink poodles in tissue paper so it looked like a bouquet of pink poodles! LOL, it was the best!

XOXO Keke

Curiouser and curiouser!

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

(This is exactly how I feel right now...)

Baby girl surprised me Saturday when I got home from work with a gift. It was a red tote bag with images of the Red Queen on it and inside the card were movie tickets for all of us to go see 'Alice and Wonderland'.

So today, AH and both kids and I went to the Sunday matinee. It was a lovely warm day here in Oz. It has been so dark and gray for what seems to be months on end. It was lovely. AH, the kids and I haven't been out as a family for no reason other than the delight of doing something fun in ages. So sweet that baby girl of mine. Funny, I had been looking forward to seeing this movie for months, but with my current state of existence I had totally forgot the movie was coming out on Friday.

The movie was ok, not quite as fantastical and as exciting as the trailers had depicted. Still, it was nice to be out as a family, and just a reminder, as my friend Patti reminded me of what is really important in this life. And baby girls thoughtfulness and generosity makes my heart smile.

This has been a curious week. I think I've said this before, but I originally started this blog as just sort of a journal. I didn't really expect anyone to read it, and what's more, I didn't expect to be gifted with such dear sweet souls to look after me. In saying this, I realized that my current situation has been racked with such emotion that I ramble and must leave all of you with confusion. Actually there are times when I look back at this 'working out' on page and it all seems more fantastical than 'Alice in Wonderland' was today. When I look at the story, it doesn't even seem possible, but yet it is. I think you all have a good idea of who soulless is, the rest probably leaves you with a confused curiosity. I've decided that in the next few days I will try to briefly bullet point how I came to this position, to offer clarity. The story starts with AH and I moving to Oz...

• Unknowingly I secured employment with a company who produces a luxury commodity
• Almost everyone told me how lucky I was. In the beginning it appeared to be so. This company is a leader in the industry and very prominent in Oz and every where else for that matter.
• I actually felt lucky in the beginning and was naive enough to believe that if I kept my head down and worked hard enough I would eventually live the American dream.
• I first hired in as a purchaser. I loved my manager. He was a retired decorated Marine officer. He was easy, he was very direct. I never had to worry about what car in the emotional roller coaster he was on. I never had to second guess anything I needed to say to him for fear he would break down crying or go into some kind of profanity laced melt down. I did my job, went home lived a happy life. Respect was mutual and work was satisfying and fun. He was tough and no nonsense but you also knew that he cared and he wasn't going to ask you to do anything that he wouldn't do himself. All he asked was excellence and he gave it back in return. I still consider him a mentor. Unfortunately the position ended. He called me into his office one day and said, "good news or bad news first?" He had found me another position, I was fired and re-hired all with in about two hours. I left his office and unknowingly went to interview in the building across the parking lot with the person I have come to call 'soulless'.

Even then I did not realize the power, the politics and the money behind the business I was about to become permanently employed by. My mind doesn't work in those types of measurements, or I should say didn't... These have been hard truths for me to learn over the last five and a half years. I work for a self made billionaire. A man that I once admired, and even during the dark days I would justify him not knowing the practices of this company that he has built from the ground up with many excuses. Excuses I can no longer make... that will have to come later in the story.

To be continued...

Sleep sweet dear friends, thank you for all your love kindness and support, I could never express what your kindness' have meant.

XOXO Keke